Splat

I just did something monumentally stupid.

I told a friend that I love him. That Way

Goodbye Friendship, Hello Rejection!

I really don’t make a habit of doing this. While I’ll sometimes have revolving crushes on friends and acquaintances, they usually fade pretty quickly. I’ve never felt strongly enough about anyone to put a friendship in jeopardy. In fact, I don’t think that even in a relationshp I’ve ever said those “three little words” first.

And I just said it to a person who I know doesn’t feel the same way.

What is wrong with me?

Actually, I’m hoping that that the being wrong will eventually make things right. I can’t actually be friends with this man. It was destroying me. Everyone I dated was compared to him. Every person I was with never quite stacked up. Every time I think about growing old with someone, he’s the someone. Except he’s not. He can’t be. I know this. And it kills me.

So I told him. I laid it on the line, and tried to make it clear that I don’t expect him to reciprocate, but I can’t help the way I feel right now. And I can’t be his friend with that particular elephant in the room with us.

And being the 21st Century Digital Girl I am, I put it in an email. Of course he hasn’t replied yet. In my dreams he’ll simply show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet.

In my dreams, that moment I looked into his eyes and realized something was different, he realized it too.

In my dreams, I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that this was just a dream and I didn’t actually just push him from my life with the click of that “send” button.

But I did.

And it hurts.

At least after more than a year of being jaded, guarded & alone, it’s good to know I can still feel something.

Update: He did reply. He does not feel the same (duh). He’d still like to be friends if at all possible. And the ball’s in my court. I’m honestly not sure if friendship is possible or not right now, but I’m sure in time we can reconnect on a purely platonic level. At this very moment though I’m not really sure, despite getting the answer I knew was coming, if I feel better or worse.

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13 thoughts on “Splat

  1. Jer

    Without sounding so very cliche, I’ll borrow a quote from Charles F. Kettering :

    “I am not interested in the past. I am interested in the future, for that is where I intend to spend the rest of my life.”

    By this, I mean that while the “moment of truth/mutual tension” I’m sure you’ll both feel after bringing this out in the open, plant both your feet on the ground for a little while, and focus on being friends.

    IMHO, you shouldn’t put off being friends with someone valuable like that because of a momentary lapse of comfortability. Just be the same great friend you are to him, and he’ll appreciate that like none other.

    (Sorry for the spam/rant!)

    -Jer

  2. peechie Post author

    I’m trying not to be all angry and negative, but without getting into details, it was clear from his response that he wasn’t being a good friend to me by leading me on, and that he can’t quite let that behaviour go either.

    So while I’m slowly uncrumpling my heart over here, I’m confident that I’ll be ok, and am better off with some distance for now.

  3. bree

    I’ve been on both sides of that problem. When I’ve been the one who just wanted friendship, I typically did know that the other person hoped for more. Usually if I let the line between friendship and flirtation blur too much it was because I was attracted to them to some degree, but I resisted going for it for other reasons, whether because I was already in a relationship or I just didn’t think it would work out in the end.

    In my experience, you don’t lead someone else on if there’s zero feeling there. It happens when you’re confused about your own wants and feelings.

    I really empathize with you on this one, and I hope it all works out. Talking about it may or may not disperse the elephant in the room … sometimes only time apart and space to move on can do that … but at least you tried. Best of luck.

  4. April

    I know where you are coming from. I laid it all on the line once too. It turned out that he didn’t feel the same way but we are still friends and in fact are closer than ever now that all the skeletons are out of the closet and out in the open so to speak. If the friendship is strong enough, it can manouver around the elephant. Hang in there!

  5. -j.

    *offers a hug as well*

    Regardless (no ir-!) of how it turned out, I’m proud of you for saying something, and I hope you are too. It was very brave, and it sure beats the hell out of the neverending pins-and-needles if you HADN’T said anything.

    I, too, am confident you’ll be ok (and in time, much more than ok)…looks like you’ve got lots of support in the meantime!

  6. Darren

    Bummer on the response, but strong work for laying it on the line. It’s hard to do, and few people are willing to do it. I don’t have much relationship advice, but when my friends ask, I always tell them the same thing:

    Carpe girlum

    In a, you know, strictly legal, non-creepy fashion.

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