I just did something monumentally stupid.
I told a friend that I love him. That Way
Goodbye Friendship, Hello Rejection!
I really don’t make a habit of doing this. While I’ll sometimes have revolving crushes on friends and acquaintances, they usually fade pretty quickly. I’ve never felt strongly enough about anyone to put a friendship in jeopardy. In fact, I don’t think that even in a relationshp I’ve ever said those “three little words” first.
And I just said it to a person who I know doesn’t feel the same way.
What is wrong with me?
Actually, I’m hoping that that the being wrong will eventually make things right. I can’t actually be friends with this man. It was destroying me. Everyone I dated was compared to him. Every person I was with never quite stacked up. Every time I think about growing old with someone, he’s the someone. Except he’s not. He can’t be. I know this. And it kills me.
So I told him. I laid it on the line, and tried to make it clear that I don’t expect him to reciprocate, but I can’t help the way I feel right now. And I can’t be his friend with that particular elephant in the room with us.
And being the 21st Century Digital Girl I am, I put it in an email. Of course he hasn’t replied yet. In my dreams he’ll simply show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet.
In my dreams, that moment I looked into his eyes and realized something was different, he realized it too.
In my dreams, I’ll wake up tomorrow and realize that this was just a dream and I didn’t actually just push him from my life with the click of that “send” button.
But I did.
And it hurts.
At least after more than a year of being jaded, guarded & alone, it’s good to know I can still feel something.
Update: He did reply. He does not feel the same (duh). He’d still like to be friends if at all possible. And the ball’s in my court. I’m honestly not sure if friendship is possible or not right now, but I’m sure in time we can reconnect on a purely platonic level. At this very moment though I’m not really sure, despite getting the answer I knew was coming, if I feel better or worse.