This one’s for me. A reminder not to break my own rules – they’re there for a reason!
So my minor meltdown the other week was a direct result of breaking my own rule.
I had been dating someone a while back, and while things didn’t work out, we agreed to be friends. We did have a few things in common, so it wasn’t totally far fetched for us to communicate or even hang out every now and again.
I should’ve known it was coming, when I decided at the last minute to skip out of an event I’d normally be found at. He was there, and said he was “disappointed I wasn’t there – would’ve been good to see me.” But I ignored the warning bells.
And then one day, he dropped the bomb that should’ve sent me running for the hills: “You know, I’ve been thinking about you, about us, a lot lately…” But instead of running away, I ran right back, with “I’ve been thinking about you too…”
Which turned into a late-night meeting, “just to talk,” which turned into a “strictly platonic sleepover,” which stayed platonic for about 8 seconds.
Which was followed by a few more of these mutually beneficial “sleepovers.” Preceeded and followed by hours of cuddling & chatting. Full of such gems as “I care about you” and “I miss hanging out with you” and “I wish things weren’t so messed up” and “I wish things could be different…”
So me, being the naieve sap I am, replied to all that with my “this is now more than friendship for me” message. Which led to a hearty “thanks but no thanks” from him.
Had I stuck with my rule of Never Going Back I would’ve saved myself a world of hurt.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, there is usually a DAMN GOOD reason for it. You tried, it flopped. Move on. And DO NOT fall into the “let’s try to be friends” trap.
To avoid the trap, I’ve come up with a handy filing system. A little mental tool for you, when you think you’ve been sucked in by someone who tries to charm you out of your pants.
While we are all unique like snowflakes and defy labels etc., but filing your acquaintances of whichever sex you’re likely to end up in bed with into the following categories can help keep things clear and keep you from letting a momentary lapse in judgement lead to unnecessary heartache:
-> Someone you have a few things in common with, who genuinely cares about your well-being = A Friend
-> Someone you have sex with, and do not engage in more stimulating conversation with than “I like it when you do that thing” or “Hey, did you catch the game last night?” = A Friend With Benefits
-> Someone you have sex with who also genuinely cares about your well-being = A Boyfriend
-> Someone you have sex with who pretends to care about your well-being but who’s actively avoiding Boyfriend status = An Asshole who is asking to have my brothers pay him a visit with a tire-iron and a crowbar, and no tendancies toward negotiation.
Or, just remember these words of wisdom from one of my bestest guy friends: “Have I taught you NOTHING? You are a cute girl. Therefore, a guy will say ANYTHING if he thinks it will get him laid.”
I may need to needlepoint that onto a throw cushion or something…
Don’t despair…the chances of there being a certain boy at our holiday party are good š
Ah, I sooo hear ya, Jen. I now keep a “here’s why we absolutely cannot ever be together” journal (complete with copies of unhealthy correspondence and thoughts I had when I was deeply hurt), not that I need that with any of my ex’s, but my last one certainly made me start it. The daily reminders I get still from a certain someone, although completely unnecessary these days, are actually quite humourous, and make me remember why I will never ever look back again. I cherish my good friends, I tell ya! š
Bottom line? I think us girls look back when we lose confidence. It’s not that that past relationship was what we are seeking now, it is simply that many women hate being alone and it’s easy to forget why we left the arms of another who will say or do anything to have that level of intimacy again.
you forgot to write *your* feelings on your list. Which is what interferes with the whole idea of listing.
In the guy’s defense, he may have been sincere….initially…when he thought there was no chance of a hook-up (perhaps he really thought it would be nice to hang out)…..BUT once even the slightest hint of “more” appeared, he went into horny guy mode (in cartoons, this is shown with the classic Tex Avery Wolf hitting himself on the head with his own shoe).
That’s just the way we are. And for my gender, I apologize.
This guy needs to worry about more than your brothers. I know voodoo!
Thanks all š
Anon: I’m going on the assumption that I wouldn’t have to worry about this at all if I didn’t feel like I wanted to be with a person. It’s all about whether I should or should not “go for it” – and if I’m likely to get my heart trounced on by doing so.
unfortuantely, i can totally relate. :/
I sympathize, but I have to weigh in on the ‘never go back’ rule.
I dated Will for a few months back in college in an ill-fated relationship that ended in fiery fiery doom. Years later when we met up to catch up, we started dating again and now we’re engaged. In our case, the problem seemed to be time. We both needed to grow up, and now we’re right for each other when we weren’t before. I realize that’s not going to be the case in every ‘second time around’ scenario, but I just wanted to mention that there are exceptions to the rule.
I don’t think a blanket ‘never go back’ rule is the thing, but it is important to think about why you broke up the first time, and be honest with yourself about whether those problems continue today.
Very true. Sometimes years pass and that person who wasn’t right for you before is now. And there are exceptions to every rule.
I’m referring more to the whole “reconsideration a month or so later” epidemic, when you both realize you’re both still alone, and think that maybe “it wasn’t so bad before….”