This one’s for me. A reminder not to break my own rules – they’re there for a reason!
So my minor meltdown the other week was a direct result of breaking my own rule.
I had been dating someone a while back, and while things didn’t work out, we agreed to be friends. We did have a few things in common, so it wasn’t totally far fetched for us to communicate or even hang out every now and again.
I should’ve known it was coming, when I decided at the last minute to skip out of an event I’d normally be found at. He was there, and said he was “disappointed I wasn’t there – would’ve been good to see me.” But I ignored the warning bells.
And then one day, he dropped the bomb that should’ve sent me running for the hills: “You know, I’ve been thinking about you, about us, a lot lately…” But instead of running away, I ran right back, with “I’ve been thinking about you too…”
Which turned into a late-night meeting, “just to talk,” which turned into a “strictly platonic sleepover,” which stayed platonic for about 8 seconds.
Which was followed by a few more of these mutually beneficial “sleepovers.” Preceeded and followed by hours of cuddling & chatting. Full of such gems as “I care about you” and “I miss hanging out with you” and “I wish things weren’t so messed up” and “I wish things could be different…”
So me, being the naieve sap I am, replied to all that with my “this is now more than friendship for me” message. Which led to a hearty “thanks but no thanks” from him.
Had I stuck with my rule of Never Going Back I would’ve saved myself a world of hurt.
If a relationship doesn’t work out, there is usually a DAMN GOOD reason for it. You tried, it flopped. Move on. And DO NOT fall into the “let’s try to be friends” trap.
To avoid the trap, I’ve come up with a handy filing system. A little mental tool for you, when you think you’ve been sucked in by someone who tries to charm you out of your pants.
While we are all unique like snowflakes and defy labels etc., but filing your acquaintances of whichever sex you’re likely to end up in bed with into the following categories can help keep things clear and keep you from letting a momentary lapse in judgement lead to unnecessary heartache:
-> Someone you have a few things in common with, who genuinely cares about your well-being = A Friend
-> Someone you have sex with, and do not engage in more stimulating conversation with than “I like it when you do that thing” or “Hey, did you catch the game last night?” = A Friend With Benefits
-> Someone you have sex with who also genuinely cares about your well-being = A Boyfriend
-> Someone you have sex with who pretends to care about your well-being but who’s actively avoiding Boyfriend status = An Asshole who is asking to have my brothers pay him a visit with a tire-iron and a crowbar, and no tendancies toward negotiation.
Or, just remember these words of wisdom from one of my bestest guy friends: “Have I taught you NOTHING? You are a cute girl. Therefore, a guy will say ANYTHING if he thinks it will get him laid.”
I may need to needlepoint that onto a throw cushion or something…