Affianced = Please jerk me around, I deserve it.

That’s it. I fucking hate weddings. Everything to do with weddings.

I told Neil the other night that I don’t want to get married any more, because I don’t feel good about it. I feel like a miserable hag who has no time to be awesome after dealing with shitstorms at just about every angle.

This of course is not true – I definitely want to marry that man – I’d just rather elope at this point.

Apparently, when one is getting married, she is expected to put her life on hold to execute it. And I do emphasize “she.” Neil has a bunch of wedding-related things on his plate as well, but everyone seems to want to talk to me. Or they keep asking me if I’ve “checked up on him” with little disapproving “tut tut” noises. As if I’m partnering myself with a four-year-old who needs to be reminded to brush his teeth, and then examined for tooth cleanliness as well as breath, because he may have just smeared his tongue with toothpaste instead of actually brushing.

For the record, we check in on each other. We both have a shit-ton of responsibilities (both wedding-related and non-) that need to be met in order to keep our lives running.

Anyhow, I digress….

Putting one’s life on hold to plan a wedding is the most ridiculous fucking idea I’ve ever heard. It’s not a fucking coronation, it’s a goddamn dinner party. The end. Considering that for work I can plan half-a-dozen major events with 6-figure budgets at once, a girl should be able to plan one measly 5-figure wedding and still have time for reasonable amounts of work, play and sleep. Not so much.

I’m just so pissed off at this point in the myriad ways I’ve been jerked around and how a bunch of things are self-destructing, that I need to vent for a bit (apologies to those whose RSS reader just exploded – for the rest of you, rambling ranting vent below the cut)…


Dress: I am not in the habit of buying $1000+ dresses. But if I were, I’d expect that they’d come with better and more accommodating service! It’s not enough that one has to book appointments to try them on, try to make a decision while being coo’d at and occasionally lied to by high-pressure commissioned salespeople (had I listened to them, I’d have ended up with 400lbs of tulle that was 2 sizes too small). No, when I go to have the damn thing altered once it arrives, I must book an appointment on a Tuesday or Wednesday between 11:00am and 7:00pm. That’s it. No other evenings, no weekends. and it’s not like this is a free service they’re offering. I’m forking out another couple hundred bones for the privilege of conforming to their ridiculously limited schedule.

Chair Covers (yes, I got them): One vendor I called said I’d have to go through the following rigamarole: Go to Vendor’s warehouse (way the fuck out in the suburbs), put down a credit card deposit for the value of one chair cover. Take (or in my case, mail) it to the venue. Try it on one of the chairs to make sure it fits (are banquet chairs really that different? REALLY? The Vendor I did go with says “no”). If it fits, bring it (or in my case, have it mailed) back – if it doesn’t arrive back at the warehouse (way the fuck out in further pomerania), the card is charged for the value of the cover. If it does fit, book chaircovers – if there are any left for my date. Can I reserve the covers now and then cancel in a reasonable amount of time if I find out it doesn’t fit, to ensure I can get my date? OF COURSE NOT! No cancellations on this product – orders must be paid in full, up front, the end. I did not go with that vendor.

I’ve contacted another decor vendor about half-a-dozen times – email, web form, telephone – and they have never, EVER called me back. At least do me the courtesy of saying you don’t want my business for whatever reason, rather than ignoring me. Obviously I didn’t go with that vendor either. In fact, there have been a few decor companies who’ve treated me like absolute crap because I just want to rent some damn chaircovers and table-number-holders, and don’t need to pay them $10,000 to drape the room in fabric and arrange for a pony to carry me in. If you’re that above doing rentals – DON’T ADVERTISE THEM!

Travel Agency: see previous post. Nuff said.

Random Mystery Vendor: Has been telling me that “everything is fine, and all is set” for our event for about 6 months now. Replies sporadically and requires much chasing. Emails me yesterday (wedding is under 5 weeks away) to say there is a “big problem” with fulfilling the contract, and says he will give ME the information to try and work stuff out with various other agencies and departments (which he hasn’t actually given me yet). WHAT THE FUCK! I think it’ll all be okay, but SERIOUSLY.

Various other vendors: total and utter lack of communication. Dates promised show no deliverables, I constantly have to chase them to make things happen. Sure the results, when I get them, are just fine – BUT I’VE HAD SEVEN HEART ATTACKS AND AN ANEURYSM BEFORE THEN!

And it wouldn’t be so bad if it were just one, and for a good reason (for example – my stationer had an issue completely beyond her control, and my invitations were delayed – it’s ok, we dealt with it) – but when nearly. every. single. other. vendor. is giving me the runaround at the same time, it’s enough to make me lose my everloving mind.

And do you know why this happens? BECAUSE AFTER THIS ONE GODFORSAKEN DAY – THE ONE DAY OF YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD EVERYTHING SHOULD BE PERFECT AND THE SKY WILL FALL IF IT’S NOT AT LEAST A PRETTY GOOD PARTY – THEY WILL NEVER, EVER SEE YOU AGAIN!

If there is one reason to go with a wedding planner, it’s that one – a wedding planner is the one person who does work with these vendors over and over again, will build loyalties and pass around to other wedding professionals who is doing a great job, and who’s not worth bothering with.

Silly me – I figured since Neil and I have a strong idea of what we want, we don’t need a wedding planner to arrange it all for us (remember – I plan events – it’s not that difficult). I’ll just read up on some vendors, pick the ones I want, and they’ll be professional.. uh… professionals in their field. Unfortunately, what we did need is someone who has the ability to take these so-called “professionals” to task when they don’t act as such. And deal with the fallout when that inevitably happens.

Suddenly the term “Bridezilla” makes so much more sense.

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For the record, I have exactly two awesome vendors: Blue Olive Photography and ParAvion Design. Professionals who take pride in their work and service. They will do everything in their power to make you un-crazy. If I could marry them too, I would!

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7 thoughts on “Affianced = Please jerk me around, I deserve it.

  1. Derek K. Miller

    Much of the wedding industry is a crock. And I am part of it when I play in my band, but we try to be professional and well organized and courteous. It seems to me that many couples would get better results by hiring people who do not regularly work on weddings (i.e. photographers who are not Wedding Photographers(TM), venues that do not routinely host weddings, etc.) instead.

  2. Darren

    +1 on hiring non-wedding people for wedding roles. I got married very young, and didn’t have a lot of cash, so we hired an acquaintance who was a garbage man by day and pro-am photographer by night. We certainly don’t have the best photos in the world, but some of them are pretty cool–he shot them with a medium-format camera, so they look about 100 years older than they are.

    We’ve also subsequently acted as photographers for good friends’ weddings. That’s stressful, but a nice gift to the couple.

    Heh, Derek and I are such men. Here we are providing advice and solutions, when really, you’re ranting. Carry on.

  3. April

    I’ve been toying with the idea of eloping when the time comes for me for various reasons but after reading your post, I am definitely eloping. I thought the rigamrole we went through for my brother’s wedding was bad but it was nothing compared to the shit you’re putting up with.
    I wish you luck with the rest of your planning and preparation. I hope you have a perfect, stress-free wedding day!

  4. Darren

    Hey, I have a related wedding question. Julie’s going to be a bridesmaid this summer, and so she has to obtain a dress. The bride is mostly handling this, but I was shocked to learn that the dress store requires Julie’s size details more than seven months before the wedding.

    Seven months? Why such a ridiculously long lead time? One theory I had was that it’s totally artificial. They want you to order your wedding dress and bridesmaids’ dresses really early in the wedding planning process, when you have more money to spend. What do you think?

  5. peechie Post author

    Heh, men indeed. Regardless, your chivalrous attempts to somewhat ease the burden of this damsel in distress are appreciated!

    And April – do not be swayed by those who think you need a “proper wedding” – if you don’t really (and I mostly do – so this is pretty much self-inflicted torture at this point), just run off to Vegas (or City Hall, or wherever).

    Darren: I was going to answer your question in the comments – but it was getting long, so I’m going to give it a post (since it’s kindof interesting, and highlights the ridiculousness of everything).

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  7. Maktaaq

    I wrote you a long ranting comment about how much I hate weddings and how awful mine was. Your comment thing said I didn’t add 10 and 9 properly. I guess addition has changed since my day and it no longer equals 19, but I had to tell you that weddings suck and yes, eloping is better. I had my wedding against my choice and it lived up to its awfulness. A year later and I still hate everyone and everything involved with it.

    Grr, women are pretty dumb for putting up with it. And the crap about this being a one-time encounter industry – don’t the wedding vendors know the divorce rate?

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