Benefits




happy dog

Originally uploaded by skyec.

Yes, I know that when you love someone, you love them for who they are and not what they have.

But I can’t help but be thrilled that Neil’s got a really kickass dog. Other than the fact that she’s named Sasha (and really, I’m not a fan of human names for dogs – you’re supposed give your pets names you can’t get away with giving your children), she’s a gorgeous creatures and one of my favourite dogs on earth.

I have actually taken to calling her “the Stepdog,” so that if things go tits up, I can claim some visitation rights.

While I’ve been a dog person all my life, and my parents have always had dogs while I was growing up, some of the strange things she does take a bit of getting used to:

-She has a knack for laying exactly where I’ll trip over her in the middle of the night.

-She hardly ever barks. Except for at 4:00am in my strictly “no pets” building.

-She delights in taking two craps when I’ve only brought one bag.

-She tries to join in the fun when Neil and I are gettin’ busy.

-She likes to lick the water off of freshly showered legs (creating the need for another shower).

-She tries to lick the wet spot on the sheets. Yes, that wet spot.

Despite all that, I’m still totally smitten by her. How could you not love that face?

In the Beginning

My ego has been waiting for people to ask, but as it seems that anyone who comments regularly already knows me in person (and therefore, the story), and nobody else cares enough to comment or email to ask, I present to you: The story of how the boy and I started going out.

It was a rainy day in March…. (Actually, I don’t know if it was raining, but since it was March, that’s probably a pretty good guess.)

After lamenting that there were no find-able good men left, and looking forward to 10 days of tropical troublemaking, I put a strict moratorium on dating. I stopped logging on to Lavalife and OKCupid, stopped checking the Craigslist personals, and told friends who expressed interest in setting me up with other singles they know that it would have to wait until I was back from my Vacation.

Then I went and broke all of my own rules. Because the guy was great? No. Because I thought there was no possible way it could work out.

The boy (we shall call him Neil, for that is his name) happens to work with a friend of mine‘s fiancee. We’d been at a couple of the same parties before and had no interest in eachother (well, not true – I always thought he was cute, but he was also spoken for at the time).

Imagine my surprise then, when I was out for brunch with said friend and she told me that since he was back on the market, Neil mentioned in passing that I seemed like I’d be fun to date. After a bit of sleuthing it was discovered that really, Neil was a big ego hound and wanted to see if he could make it on the blog!

That all sounded fine and well. I’d let Mr. Rebound put his mad skillz to the test and score myself a night out and either a reasonably good time, or some really great content. It was win-win and really a no-brainer as far as I was concerned. We set up a date for March 16th, and agreed upon the time/place details.

I’d figured that even if the date did go well I’d have no problem putting him off for a week before I went away and could party, island style, guilt free.

Imagine my surprise then, when the date finally rolled around and we took a grand total of about eight blocks (I even remember the intersection we were driving past) before we fell into conversation, the ease of which most people only share with their very best friends. It continued on that way throughout dinner and a walk in the park afterward.

The comedy of errors that was the evening (the dancing we’d expected was not to be, and the walk in the park was a little challenging in the dancing shoes I’d worn) didn’t phase us a bit, and by the time we parted ways a little after 2am (the date started around 7:30-ish) I’d had one of the most enjoyable dates I’ve ever experienced, a few really sweet kisses, and was giddy and distracted enough to accidentally close my hand in the car door when I got home.

Good thing it went well, we were both expected to attend the aforementioned friend’s St. Paddy’s Day party the next night.

Once we’d each arrived at the party, we easily fell into that “couple space.” Without getting too schmoopy about it all, we seemed to immediately just “fit” with eachother.

The rest of that week was spent seeing eachother in any stolen moment we could find, followed by a week of offshore email novellas and a couple very long phone calls, culminating with a sweet (though decidedly un-schmoopy) airport reunion.

Since then, we’ve been pretty inseperable, are constantly amazed at how compatible we are, and have survived a long-weekend road-trip together. I even have him trained to realize that all I want in the mornings is coffee and silence, and he delivers on both counts.

Things aren’t easy (because if there’s any sort of relationship myth that needs to be dispelled, it’s that one), but they are really, really good. And after the nearly 20 months of bad-dates and bruised hearts I’ve just gone through, I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Smell-0-Vision

As usually happens when you are seeing someone on a level that your schedule dictates whose house you’ll be sleeping at that night, the boy had a pile of dirty clothes at my place.

And since I was doing laundry anyway, I figured I’d toss his dirty clothes in with mine (cuz I’m just sweet like that – all those losers from before really are missing out!).

That’s when it happened.

I discovered his man-funk is actually strong enough to nullify the effects of laundry detergent!

See, he has this shirt that he runs in. It’s allegedly a technical fabric, and as those fabrics do, it dissipates the sweat and nastiness throughout the whole garment to keep you dry. Dry, and very very smelly. He’d gone running in the shirt 3 or 4 times before it made it into the laundry. You do the math.

Into the washing machine it went, then into the dryer.

As I was emptying the dryer, I pulled the shirt out, and with it wafted that familiar foul aura. I didn’t believe it at first, but a few cautious whifs (remember, his armpits can smell like feet people) later, it was confirmed.

The shirt STILL stank!

After a wash cycle with Tide with Febreeze, Lavendar Vanilla Fabric Softener, and two Outdoor Fresh dryer sheets, it still smelled exactly like man-funk.

After a 10 hour soaking with more detergent and some time to line dry, the funkiness has somewhat dissipated. Now it smells like detergent and chemicals. Not pleasant, just different.

If the man can do that to a simple shirt, if his odiferoius self is strong enough that laundry detergent is no match for his essence, I shudder to think of what I may have gotten myself into.

Good for Me

She: Want a Frosty with that?

He: Hmm…

She: You know you do…

He: Sure, a small one I guess.

She: (into the talking box) Ok, and… two small Frosties.

He: …

She: I was totally gonna get the medium, but you had to go and make the reasonable choice…

He: I wonder if they can make ‘em with skim milk?

She: **sigh**

Flipside

I received a wee lambasting from the boy yesterday after I confessed to the internets he has really smelly armpits.

Actually, he wasn’t upset about that at all (he didn’t even mention it). But what he would like you all to know is that technically his last name is a little further up in the alphabet than mine (Wa- instead of Wi-), and he also really didn’t mean it and felt really, REALLY bad about the whole piercing thing, and it was totally unintentional and more of a “tug” than a “rip.”

I suppose my blogging hyperbole is something that could be on his list of “things I’m sticking around through, despite their complete, total and utter awfulness.”

And because I’m still feeling listy, here are a few other things I think would be on his list:

-Girl can not stay awake through a movie started any time past 8:00pm
-Is reluctant to operate a standard transmission without supervision
-Is unbearably cranky in the mornings
-Does not enjoy the Simpsons
-Has only seen 3% of movies worth watching, released since 1994, and doesn’t care
-Falls asleep with the TV on
-Is far, far cuter than him, and knows it
-Will defend the goodness of KD to the death!

Of course, if he would get his darn blog up and running again (at the behest of so many readers besides myself), perhaps he could make his own freakin’ list!

I guess that means there’s one more item:

-Will use blog post instead of actual conversation to nag s.o. into getting things done.

Everyone Else Is Doing It

So we have all agreed. Blogger + Significant Other = Dearth of Content. Oops. I’ll try to break through the status quo on that one.

Gill and Nelson were sappy enough to post lists of traits and characteristics about their lov-ahs that made them want to stick around.

But while some people can make sappy amusing, I am not one of them.

So I present to you a list of things that, despite their extreme level of horribleness, I have thus far stuck around through:

-Possesses armpits that, occasionally, smell like tennis shoes that John McEnroe didn’t remove for an entire week-long bender.
-Owns a car with a standard transmission, which I am no good at driving.
-Is chipper in the morning (has since learned that all I want in the AM is coffee and silence)
-Lives in a house with a four and seven year old. Not his, but…. children. **shudder**
-His last name starts with the same letter as mine, W. This totally breaks one of my “perfect man wish list” criteria, as I was hoping to move further up on the alphabet ladder, by simply changing my last name to that of my future husband – preferably a Mr. Adams or Mr. Brown.
-He very nearly ripped one of my piercings straight out of my body, thus killing any mood that had been established and causing me a great amount of pain.
-Refuses to acknowledge the goodness that is Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

Considering I have not run screaming far, far away by now despite the above, I’m thinking it’s a sign from the universe at large that this one’s a keeper.

Lost & Found

Are you all gossipping about me yet? Are you whispering amongst yourselves, wondering where the dating stories have gone, and who this mysterious “boy” is whose presence I’ve mentioned a few times?

Or do you just not give a damn?

Because the comments have been veeeeeery quiet of late.

I will tell you this much: I have found myself with my very own boyfriend. Yikes. This means I’ve completely lost (or more like run out of) stories of terrible dates. I mean, if our dates were terrible he wouldn’t have made it to boyfriend, would he?

The problem is, now I have no crazy roommate to complain about, no bad date stories to regale you with, and never have had a cat to take photos of.

Content, oh Content, why hast thou forsaken me?

Must Haves

Though I decided to lay low since the Firefighter fiasco, and have sworn off internet dating, I do have a date tonight. So far the 8-ball points to a good time.

But I was reminded of one of my particular neuroses as I was “date-i-fying” my purse before I left the house this morning. Normally I’m a “spectacles, watch, wallet and keys” kinda person, not really worrying about having much of anything more than those essentials with me for my regular day-to-day.

However, I put a little more thought into the purse just before a date. I’m like a freakin’ boyscout, prepared for nearly any emergency (most of which have happened to me at one point or another):

-Pocket sewing kit to tackle any last-minute button pops or seam rips. Nothing like losing a well-placed button at an inopportune moment.

-Cash-money (which I rarely carry otherwise), including a variety of bill denominations and change for parking meters. Comes in handy not only when dealing with parking, but I also make it a rule to carry enough to cover my half of the bill – because there are guys who will insist on going dutch.

-Extra car key, in case my flustered/distracted self locks the regular key in the car.I’ve done this more times – not necessarily on dates – than I care to admit. And while waiting for BCAA together after a good date can be a fun adventure, doing it with someone you aren’t getting along with ranks just above having your toenails removed with pliers

-Fully charged cell phone for any number of emergencies. Including making a clandestine call to a friend to set up a rescue from any number of unpleasant scenarios, or just calling a cab to go the hell home.

-Four colours of lip stick/gloss. I’m just indecisive, and some look better in certain lighting than others. Also, while sparkly looks great to start off with, I switch to a colour that will be easier for my date to remove from his own lips, should the night go that way.

-Gum, mints, losenges. Nuff said.

-Small vial of perfume. Smelling pretty is just a good idea in general. I tend to get a lot of complients on Clinique Happy Heart, or anything that smells like dessert.

-Makeup/hair touchup stuff. Useful if we end up getting caught in the rain, or getting hot and sweaty.

-A small pharmacy worth of medication, primarily consisting of pain killers and gastrointestinal relief potions. These are mostly a “just in case” scenario, but have quite literally saved my ass a couple times in the past!

Depending on which date it is, and my intentions for the night, I’ll also sometimes add a small arsenal of Elexa products, as well as a toothbrush, and perhaps a cozy sweater, hat and flip flops in the trunk. All part of my plan to never do the walk of shame (again).

I just like to be prepared.

What about you? For the girls and the boys, what are your date-night essentials? Have I forgotten anything that’s saved you in the past, or that you wish you’d had?

One Way Ticket (To Hell)

A post in which I confirm that underneath the seemingly sweet exterior, I am a bad, bad, person.

Some of you may remember a guy I wrote about earlier this year; the one I went out with a couple times, before finding out he “forgot” to mention he had a girlfriend.

Well, it turns out that he’s in the hospital right now. He suffered a sudden lung collapse last week, and it turns out he’s got a puncture that requires surgery.

My first thought* upon hearing this?

Karma, of course. Don’t be a dick. And definitely don’t mess with the Jen.

I’m sure they’re fitting my handbasket with nitrous at this very moment to ensure I go to hell, directly to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

*My second thought really was “damn, that sucks” and I do sincerely hope he’s ok! It’s not like I wished harm upon him or anything – I figured bumbling through life as a First-Class Idiot was punishment enough…

Conversation

Conversation with a friend, as a followup to yesterday’s post (illustrating why I’ll be single for the foreseeable future…).

Friend: A ballroom dancing club is probably a good idea. Lots of guys are there to pick up women.

Self: Yes, and a LOT of women are there to pick up men.

Friend: That’s true, you’d definitely have to work to fight off the competition.

Self: Yah, I don’t do so well with that. I’m much better when I just have to show up and “be fabulous.”

Friend: Oh right, you’re a Leo – the party comes to you.

Self: Damn Straight. And my other problem is the age thing. Guys my age are so hit and miss. Either they’re going to turn out to be awesome and nobody knows it yet, or they’re hopeless. And if they do turn out to be great, someone with more patience than I has already snapped them up.

Friend: Older guys?

Self: Anyone more than a couple years older than me, I’m sifting through the not-so-great catches, it gets to be a “best of the rest” situation, which has been fairly discouraging so far.

Friend: What about younger guys?

Self: Seriously? Younger than 25? Think back to when you were 23-25….

Friend: Hmm… point taken. Oh hey, what about amateur theatre – there’s LOTS of hot, charismatic guys in amateur theatre!

Self: What city are we in again? I’m thinking a lot of the guys in amateur theatre here are batting for the other team.

Friend: Hmm, perhaps – stay away from musicals. But seriously, you could totally luck out and hook up with some struggling actor…

Self: Struggling?…

Friend: He could be on the verge of his big break!

Self: And if he doesn’t get that break? I don’t know that I wanna be with a waiter/failed actor…

Friend: OK NOW YOU’RE JUST GETTING TOO PICKY.

Special Talent

One thing that makes it really easy for me to come up with the Ridiculously High Standards is the fact that while some women make excuses for why they should stay with someone, I am unequalled in my ability to talk myself out of any potential dating/relationship scenario.

I can go from naming babies and building picket fences in my head, to wondering what special kind of crack I was on, thinking that this man was a good idea, in a matter of hours.

It’s a pretty simple process. Obsess about every single detail of the bad date or dates in your mind. Find the top 3 details that make you want to vomit. Focus on them. More. A little more now. Feeling nauseous yet? Keep going. Self-Doubt-and-Loathing set in? PERFECT!

This may take you a little longer at first. You may want to keep making excuses for the idiosyncrasies and keep thinking that it’s just one bad date, or one strange twitch. Don’t give up! In time, and with practice, your skills will improve.

And you’ll know you’ve reached a special level of bitter and jaded, when you start discounting people without even trying to. You’ll realize it when, one day, you’ve written someone off before you’ve even considered the dessert course.

Of course, once I reveal the chaos that was my Friday night, you’ll still wonder what took me so long.

Freebie

So, we all have these stories, right? That early on “the night everything went horribly wrong” date. The date that either signifies the beginning of the end, or turns into one of those stories that everyone laughs about a few years down the road.

Please tell me everyone has those stories!

Because (another) one of those stories happened to me on Friday night.

It was our fourth date, and oh boy did it turn into a doozie.

The problem with me is, nearly everyone gets a second chance. You can do something really stupid on a date with me, and if I think you’re generally OK and pretty attractive, I’ll let you get away with it, as long as it doesn’t happen again.

Since I haven’t seen him since Friday night, I don’t yet know if that date was the death knell, or the “there is nothing embarrassing left to happen” moment. Kinda like the first time you fart in front of your new mate. Except, worse. And no, I was not the one behaving badly.

As much as I’d love to spill the details, I have no idea whether to frame this in a “funny, ha ha” way or a “funny, I’M GOING TO BE ALONE FOREVER” way.

Once I know whether or not he’s going to suitably impress me and turn things around, I’ll let the story loose.

Until then, how about you comment, and entertain me (and everyone else) with those “funny, ha ha” early relationship stories I’m sincerely hoping we all have…

Her Royal Highness

Dear Internets,

I am tired. TIRED. This whole “having a life thing,” well I just don’t know how people do it.

I get up early in the mornings, earlier than I need to for work, because it’s the only time of day I have left to do things like laundry, and empty the dishwasher, and clean the bathroom, and try to clean the layers of dust off of everything.

Then I go to work all day. Somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon around here!

After I finish working most days I go to the gym. I’m going more often than not now, since there are rumours going around that I have an ass worthy of adoration, and I’d hate to let it go to hell and start disappointing people!

And once that’s all done, I still have to go to Yoga, and see Friends, and practice Rowing, and continue to torture myself with Dating.

I am assuming that somewhere in there I am also eating and sleeping, because I am not dead yet, just tired.

So, I have assembled a list things that need to change ’round these parts:

1. I need a houseboy. I am not that messy, but I need someone who will do things like dust and vacuum and scrub the toilet. He should also do laundry, and will not turn my whites pink, or shrink my good sweaters. Bonus points if he can also give pedicures.

2. I need a chef. I will consider someone who can be a chef-slash-houseboy. This person should ensure that my cupboards are always stocked with a lot of stuff that’s good for me, and a little of the stuff that isn’t, but I like to eat anyway. I don’t need a lot of fuss for breakfast… some juice, coffee, and maybe toast. However I do expect an interesting and convenient lunch to be packed and ready for me to take to work, and a balanced meal ready for me when I get home.

3. I’d like a chauffeur. I do not like taking transit, but I do miss the time I had while on transit to read and plan my day, instead of watching the road and cursing other drivers. I have no desire to return to riding the peasant wagons with the unwashed masses, but I think having a man and a car at my beck and call would be a nice compromise between the two.

4. I am seriously contemplating changing my entire social strategy, and will start holding court. Instead of jetting off to various and sundry locations to see people, I’ll just post notices that I’m holding court on X date at Y time, and my adoring public can come to me for a change. This would also be a nice time for Chef to practice his h’ors d’oeuvres, and for Houseboy to fan me with palm leaves and feed me grapes. Also, since I live a whole 25 minute transit trip out of the metropolitan city limits, I could send Driver to shuttle my people to and fro.

5. And after all this, wouldn’t having a Prince Charming to round out the package, and eliminate the dating thing be nice? I think so. And (shh! don’t tell anyone! I don’t wanna jinx it!) I may have actually found one…

The Sound of Settling

A few friends have tried to set me up with other single people they know, because there’s nothing people in monogamous relationships like to do more than live vicariously through meddling in the lives of their single friends. Not that I’m complaining (yet), but it does lead to some interesting pairings, based solely on the fact that we are quite possibly the last two people that these couples know who are single, and attracted to the gender that other person happens to be.

To illustrate, a conversation happened the other day that made me stop and wonder… is this really what it’s come down to? Is this what’s left? Do I need to start navigating the “best of the rest” in terms of guys who are still single?

Friend: We should really set you up with [random guy]. Here’s a picture..
Self: Hey, he’s pretty cute!
Friend: Yah, and he’s super nice, and really charismatic
Self: Sounds like my type already
Friend: Except he lives in Kamloops
Self: Uh, that’s not really ideal…
Friend: Well, he doesn’t plan on living there forever, he’s thinking of moving down this way..
Self: I suppose if that’s the plan, it wouldn’t hurt to meet him next time he’s down here.
Friend: Awesome! We’ll try to get him down in February for [husband's] birthday.
Self: Good idea!
Friend: Oh, one other thing, you should know that he’s got OCD.
Self: You mean he’s just a little quirky and alphabetizes his sock drawer? Or you mean like, medicated and crazy like “Jack Nicholson in As Good as it Gets“?
Friend: Actively medicated and in therapy. But despite that he lived and worked in South America for a number of years, and it’s never affected his ability to do his job or have an otherwise normal life!
Self: Well, I suppose I’d rather be with someone who’s got a diagnosed and treatable medical condition than someone who thinks they’re fine, but actually suffers from General Asshattery Disorder, like so many of the guys I’ve dated lately.
**pause**
Self: This is what it’s come down to, isn’t it?
Friend: You may have a point…
Self: Siamese, or Tabby?

Very Special Entry: Blogs, Dating & Shameless Self-Promotion

Dating is hard. There, I said it.

I love being single, the potential of a new adventure with an as-yet-unmet Prince Charming, the freedom of painting the town and shamelessly flirting without remorse, and ultimately not having to think of the well-being of anyone but myself at the end of my day.

I do not so much love the loneliness when I could really use a shoulder to cry on or someone to snuggle with, the lack of meaningful date for any number of weddings and hallmark holidays, or (heaven forbid) the bit of longing I feel when I’d actually welcome someone else to consider at the end of my day.

And so, I date. And, as you can see from my Ridiculously High Standards it does not always go so well. I’ve tried all sorts of avenues for finding potential mates. Meeting men in bars, at extracurricular activities, at work, setups by friends, and on any number of online dating websites.

One place I haven’t met any dates yet though, is through this blog. I didn’t really think about it until I read a great piece by Al3x (via Richard), regarding blog-dating.

In my eyes, telling a blogger “hey, I love what you write every day, and you look kinda cute in that 200×100 pixel photo on your site” seems a lot less shallow than picking up a random attractive stranger at a bar. A blog date starts from mutual intellectual respect, and that’s a healthy thing.

Go forth, then, and mack. The only thing you have to lose are your TrackBacks.

You know Alex, I agree completely.

And really, all of this is a lead-up to say that while I may not have had any success finding dates via my blog, what I write about them afterward seems to be popular. So if you enjoy reading about my escapades, and would like to see me speak and/or pick my brain a bit about dating, blogging & the interactions and implications thereof, you may want to sashay your way over to the Northern Voice site and register for the conference on February 10th & 11th.

I’ll be participating in a panel on “Blogs and the Bedroom: Blogging and Relationships” as the token “single blogger” with the likes of Maryam Scoble (wife of megablogger Robert Scoble), blogging betrothed Chris Pirillo and Latthana ‘Ponzi’ Indharasophang, and married bloggers Ted & Julie Leung (and if any of these names, links, or statuses are incorrect, please email me!).

Of course, the entire conference was a blast last year (and really the kick in the pants I needed to take my site to the place it is today), and I recommend you go anyway. But if I’m the inspiration you need to make the committment to go, then so be it. And if I’m that kind of inspiration for you to go, don’t forget to ask me for a drink afterward!