Chicken Spit

Someone said to me not too long ago (I don’t remember who it was, or when) that I should blog more about Neil.

Clearly a lesson in “be careful what you ask for” I present: Chicken Spit – A play in one act.

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The Scene: Neil & Jen’s Kitchen, Wednesday night, 10:30pm

Jen and Neil have just finished a very late dinner due to someone getting home from work late, and someone else grossly miscalculating how long it was going to take to roast this particular chicken (I’ll let you guess who’s who).

Both are cleaning up just enough to get the perishables in the fridge and anything else slimy or otherwise tempting out of the dog’s reach before they collapse for the night.

Jen’s piling dishes into the sink, while Neil’s putting the rest of the roast veggies into a plastic container.

Neil: prying the gooey, caramelized veggie cruft off the bottom of the roasting pan

Jen: looks over to see what the scraping noise is

Neil: starts trying to fling the bits of sticky carrot and parsnip off the tongs into the container

Jen: looks quizzically at Neil’s tong-flinging

Neil: gives up on the flinging and pries the veggies off the tongs with his teeth

Jen: figures Neil’s given up on saving that particular bit of veggies in favour of eating them, and turns away

Neil: FORCEFULLY AND LOUDLY SPITS MOUTHFUL OF VEGGIES ALL OVER WHAT WERE (A BRIEF MOMENT AGO) PERFECTLY GOOD ROASTED TUBERS

Jen: (Horrified, Confused, Tired, Cranky) “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?”

Neil: (Casually) “What?”

Jen: (has clearly snapped) “YOU… JUST…. SPAT! IN THE VEGETABLES! WHAT THE HELL!?!? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??! WHAT THE MOTHERFSCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?”

Neil: (breaks into maniacal laughter) “I was hoping you’d do that!”

Jen: (even more confused) “do…. what? vegetables?… spit?….”

Neil: “I just wanted to get a reaction out of you – we’ve both been cranky for a couple hours, I needed to laugh. ”

Jen: (and still… confused) “so you spit in the leftovers?”

Neil: “yep – good huh?”

Jen: (finally clueing in, starting to smile) “You’re such an ass.”

Neil: “Yep. And it worked. You’re smiling now too.”

Jen: “I hate you. And I’m so blogging that.”