Her Royal Highness

Dear Internets,

I am tired. TIRED. This whole “having a life thing,” well I just don’t know how people do it.

I get up early in the mornings, earlier than I need to for work, because it’s the only time of day I have left to do things like laundry, and empty the dishwasher, and clean the bathroom, and try to clean the layers of dust off of everything.

Then I go to work all day. Somebody’s gotta bring home the bacon around here!

After I finish working most days I go to the gym. I’m going more often than not now, since there are rumours going around that I have an ass worthy of adoration, and I’d hate to let it go to hell and start disappointing people!

And once that’s all done, I still have to go to Yoga, and see Friends, and practice Rowing, and continue to torture myself with Dating.

I am assuming that somewhere in there I am also eating and sleeping, because I am not dead yet, just tired.

So, I have assembled a list things that need to change ’round these parts:

1. I need a houseboy. I am not that messy, but I need someone who will do things like dust and vacuum and scrub the toilet. He should also do laundry, and will not turn my whites pink, or shrink my good sweaters. Bonus points if he can also give pedicures.

2. I need a chef. I will consider someone who can be a chef-slash-houseboy. This person should ensure that my cupboards are always stocked with a lot of stuff that’s good for me, and a little of the stuff that isn’t, but I like to eat anyway. I don’t need a lot of fuss for breakfast… some juice, coffee, and maybe toast. However I do expect an interesting and convenient lunch to be packed and ready for me to take to work, and a balanced meal ready for me when I get home.

3. I’d like a chauffeur. I do not like taking transit, but I do miss the time I had while on transit to read and plan my day, instead of watching the road and cursing other drivers. I have no desire to return to riding the peasant wagons with the unwashed masses, but I think having a man and a car at my beck and call would be a nice compromise between the two.

4. I am seriously contemplating changing my entire social strategy, and will start holding court. Instead of jetting off to various and sundry locations to see people, I’ll just post notices that I’m holding court on X date at Y time, and my adoring public can come to me for a change. This would also be a nice time for Chef to practice his h’ors d’oeuvres, and for Houseboy to fan me with palm leaves and feed me grapes. Also, since I live a whole 25 minute transit trip out of the metropolitan city limits, I could send Driver to shuttle my people to and fro.

5. And after all this, wouldn’t having a Prince Charming to round out the package, and eliminate the dating thing be nice? I think so. And (shh! don’t tell anyone! I don’t wanna jinx it!) I may have actually found one…

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9 thoughts on “Her Royal Highness

  1. Travis

    A good friend of mine says the thing he really wants is a body guard who also does his laundry. What a sweet package deal that would be.

  2. spoonman

    I’d like to have someone go to the gym for me. They do all the exercise while I sit at home on the couch watching “Rockford Files”, yet I reap the benefits of their hard work.

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