Now that my brain fog has cleared a little bit, I’ve been pondering a few questions:
What’s an appropriate time after ending a 4 year relationship to start dating?
Where on earth does one meet normal people to date?
How do you know you’ve passed “rebound” phase?
Is a having a rebound relationship necessary, or is time enough?
Ok readers, your turn. What’s your experience been with getting back into the dating world? Also, I’m pretty content being alone right now – I’m not looking to jump into anything at the moment. These questions are just part of moving on, and how to go about it.
I’d say you have to define for yourself when it’s an appropriate time to start dating again. You just have to pay attention to your own feelings, and watch for warning signs.
I meet people to date through friends, usually.
“Rebound” can last a while. I’d say the only way to know when it’s not rebound is to give it time.
A rebound relationship isn’t necessary, but it is nice as a reminder that there will be other lovers.
Jen,
I’ve heard it been said that you should take (or, more realistically, it takes) 1/10 of the lenght of the relationship to get over it.
But, I would say it would be 1/10 of the time starting once you knew there was no salvaging the relationship. Sadly, I don’t know (and don’t wanna know) when that was, so I can’t give you a date for you to be ‘ready’.
The other rule of thumb to remember is we are all different… you are ready when YOU are ready, not when someone (or some rule of thumb) tells you you are.
-J
PS: Wish i was there to mother you till you get better!
my experience with breakups is remarkably limited for someone my age, but here’s my answers:
1. I always had this rule of thumb that for every year you were going out with someone you get a month of guilt-free whining and moping. That’s not saying that after those 4 months (for you) it’s time to start dating… but you need to have time to recover and find yourself again – who do you want to be as a single person? If you rush into dating too soon, you may end up unhappily trapped into another relationship.
2. Clubs (NOT nightclubs) are pretty good. In fact, anything that you do that you’re passionate about is a good place to meet dates, because you can usually assume two things: 1) they like at least something that you like and 2) they’re not too much of a social reject.
3 & 4: I don’t know if you need to think of things as “rebounds” – more like “things I want to do to test the water of being single.” Before meeting the A-man, I went through a “rebound” phase of getting physical with two or three totally unsuitable, non-relationship-potential guys. I knew exactly what I was doing… the female version of “sowing wild oats.”
Just because you’ve ended a long term relationship doesn’t mean you should have to be celibate. A woman’s got needs. Until you’re ready to be in another serious relationship, you should feel free to seek out someone who can help you meet those needs.
Based on what I see happening in the US election campaign, crazy is the new normal.
I think you meet people by just being open to experiences and trying lots of things, but that’s only a theory as I never actually meet anyone.
I think it’s different for everyone, of course. 🙂 Which doesn’t help, but here’s how it tends to work for me:
1. When you feel ready. Each of my longer term (over a year) relationships left me single for at least a year afterwards. One of them for three years. Of course, I tend to be a commitment-phobe, and I also really enjoy being single.
2. There are no normal people. My last two boyfriends I met at a fetish club (he was *REALLY* normal) and at work (he was *REALLY* abnormal — in a good way). So, none of the “rules” work.
3. I can’t answer that for anyone else. But for me, it’s when I’ve had a rebound.
4. For other people, I don’t think it’s necessarily necessary. (There’s a bad sentence for you.) For me… well, I always do them, and they’re almost always bad. I’m getting smarter about them, but I’ve come to realize that I *will* rebound, and I may as well get better control on them and try not to rebound badly. For example, when Chris & I broke up, I almost immediately called up an old lover that I knew was very unlikely to turn sour. He was totally okay with being a rebound, and we had a lovely little fling until he got a girlfriend. The best rebound I’ve ever done, in fact. I’m so proud of myself.
That said, if you can avoid the rebound… all the better. If you can’t, pick someone you’ve already been intimate with who has no expectations or hangups about casual, temporary relationships.
At least, that’s what works for me.
Alot of my answers dont seem like answers since it’s all pretty much what you feel comfortable with…but here goes:
1. Long enough for you to be alone and not feel like you’re just rushing into something because you’re afraid to be alone.
2. There are no normal people 🙂 It’s good to realize that and have a good screening process. I’d say meeting through friends is a good way cos then there’s at least one person to vouch for him.
3. You don’t know, although as I get older I think you start to become aware.
4. I think time is enough but sometimes rebounds can be fun 🙂 As long as the other person also realizes it’s not serious.
I think the best thing to do is keep yourself busy. Get out and about doing things. You’ll never know who you’ll meet while getting out of the house.
Oh, I could write a whole book on this! It might not be a good book, but a book it would be. Here’s my two pennies worth.
1. Whenever you feel you are ready, is when you should start dating again. For me, it was 4 years after my last long term relationship of 3 years.
2. This one’s HARD! I met some great guys, that I’m still friends with, on lavalife. But I met the M-man at work (as you know! *lol*). I think it’s best to meet people while you’re doing something that you have in common (hiking, cycling, singing, whatever it may be). Clubs (as cheesy as it sounds) are a good way to accomplish this.
3. “Rebound” phase is different for everyone. I didn’t really have one. It was just good to get out and casually date again for awhile, to get my feet wet again. I guess you would be able to tell by the feelings you’re having when with someone.
4. Personally, I think time alone is enough. Especially if you take that time to reflect on the past relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly. Find out what you really want next time around. Find out what you’re not willing to put up with. Realize that there’s no rush, that you can live life on your own terms, your own clock.