I’m sitting at home on a random Tuesday at 3pm. Which isn’t really remarkable, until you think about the fact that not very long ago, I would have been sitting in an office (or on a train, or in a seminar, etc.) on most Tuesdays at this time.
But here I sit, nonetheless, after having made the decision to walk away from full-time employment which really was not fulfilling anymore, and hadn’t been for a while, to swap it for full-time uncertainty and stay-at-home parenting, neither of which, quite frankly, are fulfilling on a full-time basis either.
I’m sure many of you are curious about my reasons for leaving, but really, if you can think of one, there are probably aspects of it wrapped up in the constellation of reasons that it was time for a change.
And frankly, what’s more interesting to me now is…. what’s next?
It’s not like me to leap without a plan. I vacillate wildly between believing this was both the best and worst thing I’ve ever done.
But I found a whole new level of comfort with this self-inflicted uncertainty after seeing the brilliant Sarah Kendall last weekend. Central to her show, One-Seventeen is a Chinese proverb about luck (go, read, it’s quick, I’ll wait).
It’s become my zen mantra for this phase (note: I am not at all zen and have zero chill), that bit about luck. I can’t know whether what I did will turn out to have been amazing, or just amazingly stupid.
But what I can know is I am here. On Tuesday.
And this Tuesday is full of the longing to continue contributing to the world through my career, and the fear that a break will mean I won’t ever do that in a meaningful way again. Disappointment at some potential job rejections and hope for some irons in the fire. Pride that I’ve hit some PBs at the gym with extra time to spend on fitness. Satisfaction in tackling some long-overdue projects. Immense gratefulness that I do have the privilege of time now to turn more attention to the small people I’m charged with sending out into the world someday.
Good luck, bad luck, who can tell?
So I get another coffee. And head out on the school run. And remain open to what’s next. What will it be? Who can tell.