Another ridiculously high standard brought on by one of my many dating disasters? I wish.
I guess if I could pick something… perhaps try not to give your date a nosebleed?
Truth is though, Ridiculously High Standards tend to fly right out the damn window when you’re smitten.
Please send help. And common sense.
ASAP.
This particular Ridiculously High Standard has been just waiting to be written about. I figured it was about damn time I put it down on… uh… paper? website? Whatever.
This one is about the GEEK WALK. I can not bear to be with someone who walks the geek walk. The first time I encountered it was in high school. A guy friend of mine (who will remain nameless in case he should google himself some day) was a full-on geek walker. Since then I’ve noticed it a multitude of times – and it never fails to simultaneously amuse and appal me.
You may have seen the geek walk and not even be aware that it had a name. It usually looks a little like this: Guy walking down the street, leaning forward like he’s fighting a headwind, and his hip, knee, and ankle joints seem to be having trouble functioning in unison. May or may not be accompanied by a firmly clenched posterior. If you’ve ever seen the movie Hitch, Kevin James give a stunning performance of Geek Walk.
The bottom line on this one is that if a guy looks like he’s walking into a hurricane with a prosthetic leg and a large stick up his ass, he’s really got zero chance with me. I can’t help it.
A little while back, as I was lamenting about another attempt at love (or at least like) gone terribly wrong, Darren Barefoot asked what is my physical type anyway?
It took a lot of thought to actually figure this out, because I don’t typically think a whole lot about why I’m attracted to the guys I am, I just take it for granted that I don’t find them repulsive, and hope their personalities don’t send me running for the hills. But I figure I’ll give it a shot and give a head to toe rundown of what I like to see in a man.
Have you ever wondered why I’ve called this series “Ridiculously High Standards” instead of something less foreboding? It’s because breaching one of these without a strong backup of coolness factor can very likely put the nail into the relationship coffin as far as I’m concerned. As I’ve said already, I’m totally willing and usually more than able to overlook small transgressions – as long as I’m already fairly smitten. But in the beginning stages, as soon as I’m unimpressed by something, I flee. Quickly.
And the scenario has just played itself out again.
Example: I’ve gone on a couple dates with Mr. Travelsalot. I was pretty ok with things as they were, until he sent me an email asking when a good time to call was while he’s been away this past week. I said Monday I was in class, and I’d be off doing my taxes on Tuesday, but any evening the rest of the week would be fine. He replied “Expect a call on Tuesday, hope I don’t take too much time away from your taxes.”
STRIKE ONE! Which part of my email signified that I wasn’t ALREADY BUSY on Tuesday? (RHS#5 – respect the other person’s schedule.)
That was all I needed to start the ball rolling. Things I had previously shrugged off and overlooked all came bubbling to the surface. Examples:
-He referrs to Lasik surgery as “getting your eyes cut.” Cut? that sounds like someone is adjusting your corneas with a steak knife.
-He told me I don’t ask enough questions of him. Sorry if I’m not into 20 questions. I’m from the “actions speak louder than words” camp, and figure spending time with a person is the best way to get to know him. Along the same lines, I wasn’t spared the constant barrage of queries.
-He routinely stopped, mouth agape, in the middle of conversations, then said “sorry, your eyes (lips, etc.) are distractingly gorgeous. Now every girl likes a compliment, but nobody likes a caveman. Control yourself. Along those lines (again) he regularly reminded me that I’m “earning brownie points” with him. I’m fabulous, I get it already. Move on.
-He thought it was remarkable and “too weird” that we both took the citrus wedges off our soft drinks, and made a little shield with one hand while squeezing the juice into the drink with the other. I don’t think that’s so much coincidence as courtesy, and safety. Nobody likes lemon juice in the eye. Ninety percent of the people I know make the little hand shield. Perhaps his friends and family are uncouth with the beverages?
-He talked during the movie (albeit a wee, tiny bit – but talking’s talking).
-I happened upon some hockey tickets for tomorrow night’s Vancouver Giants game, and since we were supposed to be going out that night anyway, I asked if he wanted to accompany me. He said “Sure, sounds like fun! I just hope my brother doesn’t show up.” Why’s that? Do you not get along with your family? (strike!) Do you not want me to ever meet your family, even by accident? (Strike!) Are you that socially awkward that in a city this small you couldn’t handle running into someone you know while on a date, and just introduce that date as a friend? (STRIKE THREE, YOU’RE OUT!)
-And while I’m on a roll, he’s not my physical type, which isn’t something I usually put a whole lot of stock into, but after all these other downfalls, being a hottie was really the last thing he could’ve had going for him.
So there you have it. I emailed him as soon as I got home from work (which was our primary form of communication thus far) and cancelled our date. No point in postponing the inevitable.
Except now I have an extra (free) hockey ticket for tomorrow night (Saturday March 19th). Comment if you’d like to go. Puck drops at 7:00pm.
I can’t call this one ridiculously high – it’s just a standard, plain and simple.
Be on time.
I was supposed to have a date tonight. We were to meet in front of the bar near my house, then have a couple drinks.
I was on time. I waited 15 minutes. I left.
I may have been stood up. Or he’s punctuality-deficient. Either way, I wasn’t waiting around any longer to find out.
I think it’s time for another ridiculously high standard, don’t you? This time around it’s Attitude. Appreciation vs. Awe. We all know that the guys who don’t care and don’t call automatically suck. But what about the ones that care too much?
It’s really nice when someone obviously appreciates what’s great about me. But automatically putting me on a pedestal gets a bit unnerving. This is probably why I end up falling for the jackasses. They’re the only ones who will call me on my bullshit. And there will be bullshit. It wouldn’t be me if there weren’t some totally ridiculous component to all of this.
So you think I’m the prettiest, smartest, sexiest, best dressed, most well read, the list goes on and on… girl who’s ever bothered saying “hi” to you? Well then how do you like the fact that I haven’t actually shaved my legs since the last new moon? You think that’s cute and not icky? Ooooookay then. Or what about the fact that I’m a relentless TV junkie? You think it’s a-ok, or even great that I waste far too much of my time sitting in front of the boob tube? You wouldn’t rather go outside for a walk (even though I know you hate TV)? I made shrimp fried rice for dinner! What? You’re allergic to shellfish? You’ll eat it anyway? OK THEN! DIG IN!
A hint to all the guys out there – DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF! If you think something is silly, or annoying, or have any other sort of opinion, SHARE IT! Believe it or not, it’s more attractive of you can appreciate certain aspects of my personality and maybe not like others so much, but still dig me as a person instead of blindly thinking every single stinkin’ thing about me is the best thing to happen to the world since TiVo.
Bottom line, if you act like “you’re not worthy” all the time, I’ll start to think you probably aren’t.
Flowers. Dangerous ground.
Flowers on a blind date = bad idea. First of all, if I’m going on a blind date, 99% of the time I’ll insist on meeting the guy somewhere – who knows what kind of crazy person they could end up being, and I don’t want the crazies knowing exactly where I live. I also do not want to drag flowers around town all evening. And who knows, we may not get along at all, in which case the flowers will just make things more awkward. Flowers delivered with a kind note a day or two after a blind date that went well however, will garner a man many, many bonus points.
If I already know a guy, many of the same rules apply. Only bring flowers if you’re picking me up at my place so I can put them in water and then not worry about them during the date. If we are meeting somewhere, I do not want to carry them around all evening, or watch them wither in the back seat of your car.
The type of flower is also important. If there is no established exclusive relationship, DO NOT BRING ROSES. I can’t stress this enough. Unless it’s Valentine’s Day, in which case PINK roses are acceptible. Roses are a very serious flower. Some women think a single rose is appropriate for a first or second date – personally I think it’s very juvenile and cliche’d.
From what I’ve gathered – the above criteria are sortof standard among any women I’ve talked to. The next part is where I get a bit ridiculous.
If I’m getting flowers, I want something fun and pretty or exotic. It’s great when someone can pick up on my favourite flower (If you know me, and have been in my bathroom, it’s pretty apparent) – however, do not come right out and ask “What’s your favourite flower?” If you ask, then I know what you’re up to, and it takes all the fun out of things. Yes, I expect mind readers. Is that a problem?
A man’s taste in flowers reveals a lot about him. If you show up with a boquet from the corner or grocery store (and yes, I can tell where they’re from) I will think you don’t have the good sense to plan flowers well enough in advance to swing by the florist. If I think flowers are an afterthought on your way to see me, that will not bode well for your future.
Further hints: if you show up with Roses, no matter what colour, but especially red (as I mentioned) you are either pretentious, or have no imagination, or (likely) both. Roses will also die within 5 days – about how long it will take for me to erase your contact details from my PDA. If you show up with Carnations, you are immediately labeled as boring and cheap, and someone who has only ever purchased flowers for his grandmother. A potted arrangement of some sort, as opposed to cut flowers, says you want me to remember you longer than a week. If the potted thing doesn’t live very long, I will very likely take it as a sign that things are not destined to go well. Think carefully before you make that kind of floral commitment.
One surefire way to eliminate any sort of floral judgement – send flowers to me at work. There are few things women like more than overt displays of affection that say “Look how much someone loves me” in front of other people. Any girl who says she doesn’t like stuff like that is a DIRTY LIAR. She is just playing the reverse psychology game; or nobody loves her that much and she’s trying to talk herself into the fact that maybe it’s ok to live alone with 30 cats.
Of course, as is the case with any of my ridiculously high standards, Prince Charming could show up with a fistfull of dandilions, and I’ll think they’re gorgeous. The problem is, too many guys start off assuming they’re Prince Charming, and that is usually not the case. However, if a guy can play it right, the right flowers can make or break his Princely status.
I’ve decided to suck it up and add categories to the blog. The only reason they hadn’t been here earlier is sheer laziness, so I’ll try them for a while and see how it goes.
It was brought up in conversation the other day that there’s a preconceived notion among some male-folk I know that I have Ridiculously High Standards when it comes to dating and mating. Personally, I happen to think that the ability to hold down a job, and a distinct lack of backne (among other things) are totally legitimate requirements.
The problem comes in when some idiot that I’ve dated does something stupid to annoy me and/or turn me off of them entirely. After that, everything is free game. I will nitpick that person, and every tiny thing they have ever done in my presence, to death. Then I go blabbing my fool mouth about the nitpicking, and someone will inevitably say “holy cow are you ever high maintenance.”
So, anything in the Ridiculously High Standards category will be a list of things that I wouldn’t normally think about, or would completely overlook for that special someone. They’re really not that big a deal. But if I dislike someone, that tiny thing will just be further fuel for the fire when it comes to me tossing them out of my life quicker than that slimy lettuce in the fridge I forgot about last week.
The first Ridiculously High Standard: If I happen to be wearing my glasses (I wear contacts most of the time), and my date and I begin smooching, I think it’s absolutely adorable if he stops to gently remove my glasses to avoid smushing them into my face. Conversely I hate it if said date pauses the kissing to remove his glasses (whether I’m wearing mine or not). He invariably ends up looking all squinty, and half the time the act of removing the spectacles comes off looking like a geek is trying to perform some suave move like a “hot for teacher” porn.
I told you they were ridiculous.
Just a little tidbit that I found floating around the blogosphere when I should be sleeping but can’t. It pretty much sums up what I’m looking for in a guy. It’s hard to articulate, but I’m going to try to drop a few points – perhaps commenters can fill in some of the blanks I’ll inevitably leave…
I want someone who will challenge me. This does not mean I want someone who will nag me or disrespect me or push me in a direction that I clearly don’t want to go in. A while ago I went on a date with someone who actually did this well… we were talking about our respective educations, and where we were going with them. He’s finishing his PhD while I’m still in the “not quite sure” stage, I but tossed out a couple ideas about what I might do next. He ran with them, and put it back to me in a way that made me think “gee, why aren’t I doing xyz.
The suggestions weren’t his ideas, or his plan for what he’d do in my situation – it was a logical next step that really suits my interests & abilities – and the way he was able to phrase it made me want to move on with things. He clearly respected the direction I had taken thus far (which is extremely different from his own), and had faith in the fact that I could move on in some very interesting and relevant directions if I would choose to – and in fact not moving toward it would be doing myself a great disservice.
Nothing else about that particular encounter worked out – but the equal footing he immediately stepped onto in the above example is something that’s stuck with me, and that’s a point not a lot of other men I’ve known have been able to succeed at getting to. Most seem more interested in gaining a Mother or Daughter than an equal partner in a relationship.
That particular challenge is only one of many that could come up. Generally though, no one else has been able to find that precise point of interaction that makes me want to care about him and his life, rather than either patronizing or injuring him. It’s been hard for me to find someone who can express their interest in me without them coming off as desperate or sleazy. I’m not saying the guys aren’t out there, but I’m obviously deficient in finding them.
Of course, being a female, there isn’t a precise set of instructions that will be the magic formula to make me happy. Instead, there’s a set of extremes that I’m hoping some special person will eventually comfortably fit into the middle of. Basically it comes down to a guy who is a strong, independent individual, comfortable in his own goals and beliefs, and who is looking for an equally strong, independent counterpart.
Perhaps I’m just a little stunned, because many of my complaints seem to be about a total and utter lack of basic manners and respect for either the self or the other person (that other being me). Being with someone simply involves being with them in a way that both parties are comfortable with. It does not involve becoming the other person, or having them become you. It is about respecting the individual, and encouraging them to become the best version of themselves that they can be. Not what the best version of (or most convenient complement to that version of) yourself might be.
I’m now starting to ramble & repeat myself here so I’ll wrap it up. But I really wonder if I’m asking too much to find mutual attraction, respect & equality in a partner these days – because I’m not finding much of it around. All the good ones indeed seem to be taken.