First things first: I didn’t do it.

“It” was applying to grad school. But not just any grad program, I was going to apply to the Masters of Science in the Social Science of the Internet at the Oxford Internet Institute. Yes, that Oxford. I really fell in love with the place after visiting a couple years ago, and I’ve been casually perusing their graduate degree options ever since.

It also doesn’t help that while I have a good job that I enjoy 90% of the time, I used to have an amazing job that I enjoyed 93% of the time (before I was unceremoniously punted from the organization in a round of layoffs). It makes the few less-than-good days at the current job sting that much more. Yes I’m still bitter. I’m trying to let go.

My pattern of disillusionment with the rat race usually winds a course of 1) think back to the heady days of university when life was full of possibility and I could be anything I wanted 2) start investigating grad school 3) take a few steps toward applying before realizing that I am not actually as committed to school as I thought, and it’s really just me working through an escape plan. (See: LSAT test-taking days of 2006.)

I heard a great quote once by the current CEO of Yahoo! that goes something like “Don’t be afraid of risk and change, just make sure you’re running toward something rather than away from something else.

The MSc at OII still sounds like an amazing program that actually follows the work I did for my undergrad communications degree quite well, and absolutely scratches every curious academic itch I’ve ever had. But right now applying is more about running away than running toward.

I could still get a graduate degree some day. But right now it doesn’t line up with any of the goals I’ve got for my life. Every time I go back to the application, I feel a bit of pause – what will this do to financial plans? family plans? and what on earth would I do after I finish? I certainly do not want a life in academia or policy – so where does this take me?

Right now it takes me back to a reality check. Life, as it is, is good. And full of opportunities. I just need to remind myself to run toward them because they’re great all on their own, and not because I’m running away from something else.

I’ve decided that despite my not-dismal-but-also-not-very-good LSAT score from June, I’m not going to re-write at the end of September. I may use my existing mark to apply to UBC, but I likely won’t. In fact, I likely won’t go to law school at all.

It wasn’t an easy decision to make.

I’ve toyed back and forth with the idea of going to law school since I was in 5th grade. It’s been at the very very back of my mind for the better part of the 16 years since then. It only started to creep back forward last winter. And my reasons for wanting to go were less about wanting to be a Lawyer (I had decided already that I didn’t want to do firm work, I’d rather work in legal at a larger corporation) than about wanting to be a something.

I was smack in the middle of a 2.5 year stint of general life frustration. Yes I know – a lot of people call that time “their 20′s” and welcome to the club. Thanks. It didn’t change the fact that I seemed to keep hitting dead ends in my career, felt pretty disconnected from all of my married or engaged friends, hated dating, had sufered a couple badly bruised hearts from potential relationships going completely awry, and felt like I had absolutely zero reason to stay in Vancouver.

That all added up to the perfect trifecta of excuses to drop out of the “real world” for a while and leave town, in the form of post-graduate education! Law School was a cop out.

I thought it was a good one though! So I broadcast my decision loud and clear to anyone who’d listen. I AM PRE-LAW! HEAR ME ROAR!

But when it came right down to it, I didn’t – and still don’t – have the drive and interest at this point in time to buckle down and study to get the marks I’d need to do well enough on the test to get in. And then what? Another 3 years of academic mediocrity in order to get a degree that meant escape more than achievement.

Still, it’s hard to admit that I’ve changed my mind. It feels a little like giving up.

Except letting that precarious plan go means the chance to have a far more rewarding future. I’m finally in a job where I feel smart again – where I feel that my talents and experience are finally being used to their full potential. I feel challenged in a good way, instead of bashing my head against my desk in fits of futility.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that being in a relationship hasn’t had some impact on the decision as well.

That’s the hardest part to tell people. I’ve always been strong and independent and Ain’t Nobody Gonna Mess With My Vibe, Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down – Oh No, etc. And I’m giving it all up… for… a guy?

Not quite.

Going back to school wasn’t a self-improvement pursuit for me as much as it was running away from my life as it was. Just leaving town for a new city for no reason seemed far too risky – going for school was far more acceptable. And truth be told, Neil would love to see me go back to school, not only because he wants me to succeed and be happy, but because he doesn’t want to be perceived at all as “that guy” who made me give up my dream.

And this is the part where I have to admit that there is a small, very small, warm glimmer of molten something inside my otherwise cold, dead, black, crusty heart. I didn’t have Ridiculously High Standards for nothing. And I think the voracity with which I took on dating, and the speed at which I would toss any number of potential suitors aside because they somehow offended my delicate sensibilities does indicate that I wouldn’t just settle for someone. In spite of myself, I seem to have stumbled into “the real deal” or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

So now, I’m not an “alone-but-not-lonely (exceptkindoflonelyanyway) single gal” anymore. And I don’t hate my job. And life is otherwise going really well right now. Sorry Law School. Three-strikes and you’re out.

Anyone want a Kaplan LSAT 2006 study program? I know where you can get one for cheap.

Motherfucking pants were rocked. Unfortunately, those pants were mine.

More after the jump…

For those who don’t know, the structure of the LSAT is as follows: 5 sections, plus a writing sample. The sections are comprised of 20-30 questions each (I had anywhere from 22-27) in the following areas: Logical Reasoning (2 sections), Logic Games, Reading Comprehension. The 5th section is called the “Experimental” where the LSAC (Law School Admissions Council) duplicates one of the sections and tries out some new questions that they hope to include on future tests. This section is not counted in your final grade. Of course they don’t tell you which is the experimental, and which section counts for marks – so you must treat both as equally crucial to your overall score.

Test takers are given 35 minutes to complete each section. You are not permitted to skip forward or backward in the test. Should you finish a section early you may not advance to the next section or correct previous sections. Should you run out of time on any section, too damn bad.

The Kaplan prep I did was helpful for understanding the gist of the material that would be on the test, but I still feel it left me woefully unprepared for at least one of the sections (I’ll get to that).

I have a very strong suspicion that the first section I wrote (Logical Reasoning) was the experimental. Many of the question structures were totally unfamiliar and I had a tough time slogging through. I was definitely shaken once it was over, but I did finish all the questions just in time, and took a deep breath before the next section started; another logical reasong section that went slightly – but not much – better.

Section three was the doozie. Logic games. In these questions you’re given a scenario (Say, there is a 6 day film festival, and there are 12 films that are being shown in 6 languages – 1 film per day), then a set of conditions (Norwegian films are not shown on days 2 or 4, Italian films are not shown unless a Norwegian film is shown the next day, etc.). You’re then given 4 or 5 questions that ask things like “If a German film is shown on day 1, which films could be shown on day 5″ with a list of multiple choice answers following.

Normally I rock the socks off of these particular questions. Not this time.

In the Kaplan prep, they briefly mention “try to save time by combining conditions to make one condition. If A = B and B != C then A != C.” Simple enough. Few of their test questions contained logic even this tough. Since I had much more issue with the Logical Reasoning questions (I have a terrible habit of not reading questions carefully enough), I spent most of my study time focused on those and decided to leave well-enough (read: the Logic Games and Reading Comprehension) alone. BE YE WARNED!

I was pretty overwhelmed to find that the actual questions on the test contained far more levels of logic that needed to be deciphered, in both the conditions and the questions, and I just plain ran out of time.

Thankfully, after that section was our 10 minute break. I used the time to lay in the sun and contemplate the satisfaction in a future of barista-ing instead of lawyering.

The Vitamin D did me some good, and I did rock the Motherfucking Pants off of Sections 3 through 6 (another Logical Reasoning, the Reading Comprehension, and the Writing Sample).

Unfortunately the writing sample isn’t graded – just submitted with your law school applications so they can gauge your ability to write, spell, and construct a coherent argument.

Can you tell I’m not terribly optimistic about my potential outcome? I really wish I’d have had exposure to more realistic representations of the test questions. The Kaplan practice tests, while allegedly taken from past exams, were very oversimplified compared to the actual test questions. Or perhaps I just cracked under the pressure – who knows. After all, I haven’t actually written an exam since University (2002-ish).

My only potential for some consolation is that the test is scaled, and perhaps everyone had as rough a time on some section or another as I did. I kindof doubt it, but I can hope. In the meantime, grades aren’t released until July 3rd, and I’m just ignoring it until then.

I have a lot of work to do as the busy Spelunking season gets fully underway.

I have a very important test to write in just under 3 weeks.

I don’t feel like I’m making progress on any of those fronts.

I feel useless and impotent.

What I really need is some sort of recharge/kickstart.

Any suggestions?

The question then was, what to do? And here I give you a glimpse into my brain’s process of elimination:

Option 1: MA Communication Studies, focusing on either Mobile Telelphony, Telecom/Cable Convergence & Policy, or Blogs.

Question: Do I want a job of some sort that doesn’t involve pursuing a PhD and inflicting my knowledge on others when I finish? Yes. Fail. (I know that no degree is a guarantee of post-graduation employment, but some have far better prospects than others.)

Option 1: nixed.
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Option 2: MoT MBA.

Question: Do I want a job of some sort when I finish? Yes. Pass.

Question: Do I want to write the GMAT? I have accepted my inability to do math beyond a 4th grade level (you think I’m kidding…). So no. Fail.

Option 2: nixed
——————————-
Option 3: Law School (specializing in intellectual property)

Question: Do I want a job of some sort when I finish? Yes. Pass.

Question: Do I think I can do well on the LSAT? Yes. Pass.

Question: Have I been thinking about Law School, off and on, since I was 10 years old? Yes.
——————————-
So it’s pretty much settled. Or as settled as these things can be when there are still many hoops to jump through before the plan becomes a reality. And even then, things aren’t guaranteed.

But for now, much of that free time I don’t actually have between now and June 12th will be spent with my nose buried in this.

Wish me luck.

BUT IT’S TAKING EVERY TEENSY BIT OF WILLPOWER I HAVE AT THE MOMENT NOT TO DROP EVERYTHING AND GO TO TORONTO.

Why? For the McLuhan International Festival of the Future of course.

Honestly, the only thing holding me back is the fact that it starts today. If I’d had a couple weeks to plan, I’d be there by now.

But you’d better believe I’ll be MIFFing next year!

A Monopoly of knowledge is a system in place that serves to preserve the status and exclusivity of those who have undertaken the process of obtaining it, and therefore the power they hold over those who don’t have the knowledge. Early examples include the trend of only allowing priests or white men learn how to read. Today it’s still prevalent in careers such as medicine & law, where the abundant use of latin terms prevents those who can’t or don’t learn the terminology from fully participating.

Last night in class I learned another career which seems to rely on a monopoly of knowledge structure to preserve its status and power. Accounting. Holy crap. Plugging the numbers into the equations isn’t really that difficult. It’s all based on grade nine algebra.

Deciphering the language and presenting my work with that same language however, is going to take some practice. I may need flash cards. Or a decoder ring.

Because now I have n0tes at home that look something like this:

Unearned Revenues {sneaky!} – When is an asset not an asset? When it’s a liability!

No wonder accountants have always come off as just this side of batshit crazy. You kindof have to be to think that actually makes sense.

After my midterm, I was quite worried. I knew I didn’t do as well as I could’ve – and it showed in my bleak 78% mark.

Did I pull up my socks for the assignments? Not really. I blasted through them the night before they were due and hoped for the best.

Did I study for the final? Not so much. An hour of review before the test in the cafeteria would have to suffice.

Final Exam written: felt damn good.
Assignment one back: 95%
Assignment two back: 94%
Participation: 86% (a grade I gave myself in the self-appraisal)

This puts me at 87% going into the final that’s worth 30% of my grade. Which I felt really good about. I felt better coming out of the final than I did the midterm – but let’s say I got 80% on the final… That would give me a final grade of 85%. I’m hoping I hit 86%, just because that’s an A – but like I said, I felt significantly better about the final than the midterm… so I’m hopeful.

So why do I procrastinate and not study? As Dr. Phil would ask, what’s my payoff? The numbers don’t lie. I do it because I can. As long as I can continue to survive the panic ulcers I develop while I wait for the marks to come back.

Whenever I make a statement that looks like it requires some proof outside of my word, I lay down the Google magic, and *poOf* there it is. Well, it’s not quite that easy, I spent too much time in academia to put my entire trust in online search results. I’m primarily using EBSCOhost and CBCA online indicies, supplemented by a few industry websites.

I’m now at page 2 of 7 done, making steady progress with my 1 page per hour pace. I’ve also probably wasted a solid third of the time with blogging, IRC, and coming across articles that I end up reading for personal interest, but are totally useless for my subject matter.

It also doesn’t help that the paper I’m writing is a joke. I’ve been instructed to write a “pure research” piece – I’m not to form any opinions of my own, just present information that other people can use to make decisions from. It’s highly unexciting and takes zero thought to write.

Good thing there’s so many leftovers from last night’s BBQ – at least I don’t have to take time away from writing to cook dinner. Leaves more time for wasting so I can give my full attention to Desperate Housewives.

I have mixed feelings about this.

On one hand, the School of Contemporary Arts has been a long-standing sore-spot among students at SFU. It’s been housed in mouldy portables for the past far-too-many years, which isn’t exactly an atmosphere conducive to creativity and arts development. The new facility downtown will be both updated to provide necessary resources to students and faculty, and will be an ideal spot to inspire arts as a reflection of society by being integrated into the downtown east side neighbourhood. Which is what contemporary arts should really be all about.

However, this will mark SFU’s fifth campus location. There is already a disparity between the “downtown (SFU Harbour Centre & Morris J. Wosk Center for Dialogue Locations on opposite sides of Hastings at Seymour)” vs. “the hill (aka “the hell” in Burnaby)” crowds. Once the SFU Segal School of Business (on Granville at Pender) and the new Contemporary Arts DTES locations are open, I can only see further factions splitting apart.

Something I never really got a strong feeling for during my time at SFU was any sense of community. It’s very different from UBC students I know, who seem to gather together at the SUB frequently (while the SFU pub sits empty and closes early). I haven’t been up there recently to see if the UniverCity has impacted any significant change, but I’d be surprised if it has.

Do you think the relocation of the School of Contemporary Arts will make a difference to the sense of community? Is SFU simply a commuter campus that should stay that way? Should the campus locations make a difference to the sense of community within the school?