(Heed the title. This deals with bodily fluids. You have been warned!)
I think the hardest thing about being pregnant has been how obvious it makes the lack of control we have over what happens in our own bodies.
I’m not talking about the things we can do that impact how our bodies will react, like feeding ourselves different types of foods and drugs, or even getting pregnant in the first place. I’m talking about after those things have been done, the vast number of involuntary responses our bodies engage in to keep things running.
I’m a bit of a control freak. I don’t enjoy the heady adrenaline rush of going super fast or throwing myself off of or out of things quite far off the ground, because I don’t feel like I control the outcome (and it has the potential to be, in my opinion, very poor). I also don’t enjoy getting completely wasted, because I don’t like the out-of-control feeling I get if I do.
I like to feel like I have at least come conscious influence over what’s happening and how things are going, and to know that I can opt-out of a long, strange trip if I’ve had enough of that ride and would like to get off.
And this damn pregnancy thing keeps reminding me that “HAHA TOO BAD FOR YOU!”
Like last night.
I’d already had a rough weekend, what with the other aches and pains and general discomfort of growing another human. (And by-the-by, for those who have the same misgivings I did, mostly fueled by stories of women who loooooooooove being pregnant, there is nothing symbiotic about this relationship. It’s a full-on parasite.)
So I was lying in bed, unwinding with a book (Superfreakonomics), when all of a sudden FLUID STARTS LEAKING FROM MY NIPPLE! Not at any significant volume, just a few drops that landed on my arm. But it scared the everloving shit out of me. Not quite literally, but damned close. I screamed loud enough for Neil to come running, looking worried (until he started laughing at me).
You just try having drops of tepid liquid land on your arm, under the covers where no tepid liquid should be, and see how calm and unsurprised you are!
I suppose the books did say this could happen. But not really when, or that it would happen totally out of the blue for no reason at all and completely without warning. Unless there is something in my subconscious that feels particularly nurturing when applying economic principles to everyday life.
I am still committed to the outcome of this particular biological process, but damn, this is already enough of a strange and uncomfortable ride, and I could do without these kind of surprises on top of that.