Pre-Emptive Strike

Courtesy of the fabulous Ms. Raspberry. I may send out a few of these once I regain consciousness on the other side of New Year’s:

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Dear Mr. / Mrs. ___________

I am writing to apologize for my ________ behaviour the other night, and i hope that despite everything, you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I should have known there would be a problem when your ______ first brought out the ________ of _______ that was so big it needed a handle. I was nervous about meeting you for the first time, and although i can usually hold my ________, i thought that having a few ________ would help me to _________. I was obviously very very wrong.

I honestly don’t remember much between _______ with your visiting relatives and _______, but i’m told that i made quite a scene. If past experience is anything to go by, I’m guessing I whipped out my ______ and said “______” a lot. I hope i didnt’ try to sit on your husband’s / wife’s _________ or make out with your ______, but at this point, nothing would surprise me. In my mind, I was just trying to be _______. All i know is that i woke up bathed in _________, with a blinding hangover, next to your ________ in the _________ in your driveway. I’m guessing you probably saw the big pile of ______ on the table where we tried to ________, but I’m hoping you didn’t walk in while we were ________. We disposed of the _______ in the ________, so hopefully you didn’t stumble across that, but i’m sure the lingering _____ smell was unmistakable. I have a vague recollection of the _______ arriving, so I guess the person the neighbours heard at 4am shouting “________” was me. Oops. Sorry again.

I’d be happy to pay for the _________ I broke (I only threw my ________ out of it because i thought it was open) and replace the tub of ________ and the plastic ________ that went missing, and if you have any trouble getting the _______ stains and the ________ marks out of the furniture, please send me the cleaning bills.

Please accept my sincerest apologies and this _______ that I made.

For what it’s worth, all the best of the holiday season, and once again, my deepest regrets for being such a _______, ________, ________. I don’t usually show people that side of myself until the second or third meeting.

Remorsefully,

________________________

PS – if a pair of black mesh _________ you don’t recognize turn up somewhere, they’re probably mine. Since you probably never want to see me again, you may as well just keep them.

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