Happy Halloween! The only thing better than halloween is the day after, when all the candy will be half off at the stores.

My weekend was insane. Thanks to Clamb & Heidi for having us over, and thanks to my body for staying vertical after rowing 8.5kms long enough to make it home and into bed (and not a second longer).

The only thing that was on when I first hooked up the TiVo was “While You Were Out” so I returned home to some recorded Daily Show, Family Guy, Desperate Housewives (which I had asked for) and a frillion episodes of random home improvement shows I’d never heard of (which I hadn’t.

And now I have the day off, and I’m going to laundry, watch the TV I missed over the weekend, and relax. And pause live TV, just because I can!

tivos are good for licking

Originally uploaded by hessiebell.

That’s right my babies..

IT’S MINE!

I’m just shy of freakin’ exhausted, and considering the time setup takes, I may not get it fully operational until after I return from a weekend away.

But my Pay Per View parties will now include custom instant replays, and pausing for bathroom breaks!

I may never leave the house again…

I am a morning person. Sortof.

I do love being up early, making coffee, watching the world start to wake up around me. In fact, I strongly believe that a road trip isn’t a road trip unless it begins before sunrise.

I only wish I could actually FUNCTION in the mornings I love so much.

Which brings me to my latest complaint, a Catch 22 if you will: Ordering Coffee in the morning.

I only want one thing when I walk into a coffee shop in the mornings. Caffeine. LOTS of it. As Soon As Possible.

It never works out that way.

What I expect from a coffee shop when I go in is the complete, total and utter attention of the person taking my order. Because I can only say it ONCE. Not because I’m an elitist snob. It’s because my brain isn’t working yet. I have queued in the lineup, retrieved the necessary paper or plastic currency from my pocket, and carefully rehearsed my order in my head. So when I say “Venti Americano With Room” do not look back at me quizzically and say “Sorry, venti what?”

My brain was only wired to say that ONE SENTENCE before the life-giving caffeine will allow it to do much else.

So Barista that I grunted at this morning? I’m sorry. Except I’m not. It’s just the way it is. I will do my best to open my mouth and form the words that you require to make my beverage, and you will listen and not ask me to repeat myself.

Of course, if it were less complicated to order the damn thing in the first place, we may not have this problem at all!

I have just discovered something very, VERY upsetting.

Having not used Windows 2000 for a number of years, it took a bit of getting used to at this job. But no matter. I keep plugging along on the inferior OS because I’m stoic like that.

But I just came to a startling realization: Windows 2000 does not have the functionality to act as a Remote Desktop host. This just made my plans to work from home about a frillion times less likely.

BASTAGE!

If I can’t get Windows XP up in this hizzy, I’m going to start expensing the vodka at the bottom of the filing cabinet, since I’ll be needing a LOT more of it than originally anticipated!

(Dear bosses and people who know them: I kid! No Vodka in here! I prefer Scotch….)

It seems that Ray is planning for an end of December move - all of his own accord!

Of course, that means I am still priveleged to another 10 -ish weeks of gems like these:

Ray: H-h-h-hey Jen?
Me: What’s up Ray?
Ray: Are you Earthquake Ready?
Me: Uh? No. I don’t tend to think about it that much, why?
Ray: We’re in for the “big one” you know! Things are happening! I was listening to this guy on the news - he speaks the truth! Well, he’s fear-mongering a bit, but he’s fear-mongering from a place of truth! You need water for 3 days….
Me: (has stopped listening at this point, and am thinking about what a great blog entry thig is going to make)

I think I might actually miss him a little. He’ll make a great FOX News reporter someday!

There’s a documentary airing on CBC Newsworld tomorrow night regarding the use of Crystal Meth in a small Canadian town.

It’s the town I went to high school in - Hope BC. I know all three families that are portrayed in the show.

I’m not sure how accurate a portrayal of small town life it will be, but I can vouch for the fact that there really isn’t much of anything to do there for youth other than drinking, drugs and sex. And the town (at least when I left it) is run by small-minded small town people who aren’t interested in (and often actively dissuade) creating opportunities for anything other than that.

I’ll report back after the show and let everyone know if things are really as bad as the show promises to portray - but I already strongly suspect they are.

This, my friends, is the way things should be.

Sitting in a nice, quiet apartment with laundry going, a glass of wine in hand (and about half the bottle on the counter waiting to be consumed), tapping on the laptop in front of the TV.

In my underwear.

ALONE.

(except for that crazy cat of course).

I have made the decision that Ray is going to GO. Of course, I haven’t told him yet. I’d rather he sneak off into the night ASAP (the thought of spending Christmas vacation at home with him around makes me want to cry). When he moved in I said that barring any unforseen circumstances, I wasn’t planning on going anywhere or kicking him out until after the school year.

But what do you do when things are just NOT. WORKING. OUT?

I’m sure it’s much more of a “not him it’s me” thing - but having him (or anyone) around in my home besides my own self right now is just enough to make me not want to be there. And that ain’t right yo!

So, the dilemma is this: do I give him a January 1 out date (he’ll be on winter break from school at that time) with the option to move his stuff out up until the 7th so he doesn’t have to deal with moving all in one day, or do I give him March 15 as an absolute out date (he’ll be on spring break from school that week) -because I am certainly NOT living with him any longer than that.

This still falls in with my “living alone by spring” plan - I’m just going to live alone exactly where I am instead of moving somewhere else. Displacing one roommate in the process.

I honestly wasn’t thinking about staying in my present quarters until I started looking around at what I could get for what my apartment is currently renting at on its own. Basically I could get something older, uglier, and with 1 less bedroom in Mount Pleasant for what I’m paying for 2 bedrooms in North Burnaby. And my landlord is re-doing the bathroom in the not-so-distant future. I have secure parking, a huge balcony, and a great neighbourhood. And I can turn that 2nd bedroom into a guest/dressing/computer/music/etc. room.

So the if has been decided - now it’s just a matter of how and when.

Which date would you suggest I give Ray for the “get the hell outta my house!” deadline? Keeping in mind that my bank account would appreciate, but doesn’t NEED the extra income, and kicking him out in the middle of the school year is a bitchy thing to do.

Also, if you’re bored, give me some fun and exciting ways to deliver the news - remember, his level of Polyanna syndrome is freakishly high - the goal here is to BREAK him entirely (a difficult thing to do).

UPDATE: (October 23, 2:14pm) The news has been broken. I gave him the March date, since winter is a shitty time to move. And it leaves me financially open to some other endeavors. He still has the option to (with notice) leave sooner. And as fun as it was to read everyone’s suggestions, I was of course a decent human being about it all.

My blog is still broken. You’ll notice that trying to leave a comment gives you very strange error messages. As far as I can tell, something is borked in the MySQL database. Offers of help may garner you dinner, or drinks, or a hockey ticket - so step on up my geeky peeps! Update: Fixinated! Thanks Chris & Donna!

Today, I am a fashion disaster. A number of friends have asked me (and have been very pleased with the results I must say!) to play “What Not to Wear” with them - and if they saw me today, they’d stop, and perhaps turn and run screaming.

From top to toe: Navy blue track jacket with white and green piping (think Canucks vintage colours). Mint green v-necked shirt. Black yoga pants with pink stripe down the side. Grey ankle socks. White & Blue runners.

Aside from the neutral socks and runners, I’m fairly certain that NOTHING matches ANYTHING else.

And this is how I left the Yaletown condo I’m housesitting this morning. I’m pretty sure the entire neighbourhood saw me, and let out a collective sigh. If I actually lived there, my citizenship may have been revoked.

Of course, I couldn’t start a proper yuppie morning without a proper yuppie breakfast: Coffee and Fruit Cup from $tarbucks. I’d like to inform you all that Maple Lattes are the new crack. At least until the Gingerbread Lattes come out again.

I also discovered a great way to make sure I get to work much earlier than I have been lately: make it ridiculously expensive to park where I’m sleeping starting at about 7:00am, so I have no choice but to drive to work where the parking is free, instead of forking out another $3 to stay in bed or muse over my Cheerios for an extra hour.

FYI: Mel & Chris - you are now out of Cheerios.

By the way, in case you were wondering, nothing says GOOD MORNING, FUCKER! like a cat repeatedly leaping from a shelf 4 feet above you directly onto your head at 5:30am.

It appears my website broke itself. I promise I didn’t touch anything - I blame elves.

Hooray for the people at site5.com (my superfantastic host) for fixing it for me within about 15 minutes!

My admin page is still all borked, so if anyone wants to get together and fix it with me, I’d be eternally grateful! I should really get on learning myself some of this damn webby stuff.

In the meantime, happy rainy humpday!

One of my biggest pet peeves about first dates is the frequency with which guys tend to choose restaurants based on seemingly a wish and a prayer, and have no idea what they’re in store for - both in terms of their dining experience and the financial hit they’re about to take.

Now I’m all about trying new places in terms of cuisine, based on the recommendation of friends, or just to satisfy my own curiosity. However I’m enough of a foodie that I’m quite comfortable in any dining establishment, whether it’s two stars or five. I have dated people who clearly are not.

And it’s pretty much guaranteed that a date will not go well if you’re too busy worrying about which fork to use rather than paying attention to the person across the table. It’s also not wise at this point to start cracking wise about the “frou-frou-ness” of the place. Just keep your mouth shut, eyes open and do what everyone else is doing. Act like you belong - it’s much more charming than using humour to amplify your outsiderness. Remember, at this point as my date, you really doesn’t know if I eat at upscale restaurants all the damn time or not - but if I do, I’m highly unlikely to want to do so with you again if you seem obviously uncomfortable doing so.

The other side of this particular coin is that it’s fairly prudent to find out what you can expect to spend on dinner somewhere before making the reservation. There’s nothing worse than watching someone choke on his tongue when he opens the menu and sees the average entree price. Dropping a couple hundred dollars on a great dinner isn’t an everyday occurrance for me - but it’s not unusual either. If you suggest going to the most expensive restaurant in town, I’m not going to stop you. I’m also not going to hold back from ordering three courses if I feel like it (I usually do), or the wine I want, or espresso with dessert. I’d do it on any other date, or with friends, whether I was footing the bill or not.

I’m also a “modern woman” and will carry enough cash to cover my half of the bill (because as soon as you mentioned where we were going, I did my research and checked out the menu beforehand). And while I can cover my half of the bill I’d really rather not. Not because I can’t afford it but because it seems like a fairly juvenile concept to me. I’m a firm believer that by “keeping score” of equality on a case-by-case basis, nobody wins.

Because frankly, there are other ways to keep things “equal” that don’t involve splitting every cheque. I believe the person who does the asking should also do the paying. I have friends who will be visibly upset with me if I so much as attempt to take out my wallet after they’ve invited me out for dinner. So while the first date (I am not a first-date asker) will be on the guy who wants to take me out, I always make an effort to contribute to the relationship myself.

Perhaps I’ll ask him on a 2nd or 3rd date and pay for dinner and/or a movie. I might show up with ingredients and a bottle of wine and make him dinner. If I’m out shopping, and see something I’m pretty sure he’d like, I’ll usually pick it up and give it to him as a “just because” gift. Or, as things progress, I’ll make sure I do that thing he loves so much, that makes his toes curl and his eyes roll back in his head - whether it does anything for me or not.

And (with the exception of that last one) it’s how most of my friends and I operate. Someone will pick up the cheque for a few beers, and at some point in the future the other person will invite them over for dinner, or pick up a cheque somewhere else. Favours are reciprocated, not because of obligation or some score-keeping system, just because it’s the cycle of spending time together and how we operate.

What can I say - I’m a giver, which is truly its own reward. All I’m asking for is someone who is comfortable being a giver as well, without always thinking of a future reward or evening the score. And if that makes me a spoiled princess, I’m perfectly ok with that.

Vancouver is a small, small city.

I went out on a date with another someone from Lavalife this past weekend, and it turns out he’s a recent ex of a local blogger I “know.” Not that we know eachother offline at all, but we’ve been reading, and occasionally commenting on eachother’s blogs for the better part of the past couple years. I do believe we have at least one real, live, in-the-flesh friend in common.

This means I’ve read about Lavaguy and Local Blogger’s relationship. Not a lot, since she doesn’t write much intensely personal stuff in detail… but some.

So the question is, does this fit into the realm of dating a friend’s ex? Except without the friend part? I’ve heard a one-sided perspective about their relationship, and do have a few (nothing hugely negative or opinion forming or anything like that) preconceived notions about Lavaguy.

I even, when talking to friends who read Local Blogger, refer to him by the pseudonym she gave him on her blog.

And every guy has a schtick - some little signature move that they use on girls they’re dating to show interest, gauge response, and reel us in that much closer. When Lavaguy pulled out a couple things that felt deja vu familiar, I immediately remembered Local Blogger writing about a couple things he did or said when they were dating. Of course when I got home that night I checked her website to make sure I wasn’t making things up in my head. And I wasn’t. And in that moment, the magic died.

Now here’s the part where I get a little extra crazy: from what Local Blogger puts out on her website for the world to read, she seems like a perfectly lovely specimen of a human being. And after our date, Lavaguy seems like a fairly normal person too.

So, as is fitting for my own personal brand of neurotic, I can’t help but wonder, where did they go wrong? Is she actually crazy, or is he hiding some strange bit of himself under the surface that will cause me to turn tail and run as soon as I discover it?

At this point, I think my biggest motivation for going on a second date with him would be to satisfy my own curiosity in getting to know a person that I’ve only read about online, and see how well he matches up with the picture painted in my head of who I think he might be. Our date, while a good time, wasn’t anything remarkable, but I want to see if he’ll suggest the same books, or exhibit the same quirks (and if I’ll find them adorable or annoying) as he did with Local Blogger.

However, while it may make for some good storytelling, there is a real person involved, and my diva streak stops just short of using people solely as toys for my own amusement. So I’ll probably put the kaibash on the whole thing if he suggests another date and try to shelve my curiosity about this one.

And lo, I have dubbed today “Emo Friday.”

I am in a mood thanks to my ladyparts, and it’s grey outside, and it’s chilly, and the leaves are falling off the trees, and I saw a very good but very sobering movie last night (Lord of War), and can you think of anything better to do today than listen to sad, sad songs and drink tea and eat Ben & Jerrys’ Half-Baked straight out of the carton and bemoan the state of everything?

Ok yes I know there are loads of better things to do than that. But I don’t wanna do them.

Instead I will give you my depressing, emo version of the Friday Random Ten (for the dark and emo music is all that’s in my mp3 player today):

1. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
2. Tiny Vessels - Death Cab for Cutie
3. Coalmine - Armchair Cynics
4. Only - Nine Inch Nails
5. Be Here To Love Me Tonight - Norah Jones
6. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie
7. Surprise Ending - Armchair Cynics
8. All The Love In the World - Nine Inch Nails
9. Drugs or Me - Jimmy Eat World
10. Everlong - Foo Fighters

Now it’s your turn? What do you do when you’re down - not to make yourself feel better, but to really revel in your misery before you’re good and ready to get over it?

Have you ever had a moment where you think perhaps someone was born without that special filter? The one that stops them from saying everything they’re thinking OUT LOUD? Well I had a date with Mr. Filter-Challenged not too long ago.

Our brief conversations up until that fateful night had a bit of sexual innuendo to them. Nothing too risque, just some playful ribbing. So it wasn’t at all strange or inappropriate when during dinner he jokingly said “I was trying to check out your ass on the way in, but your pants aren’t tight enough!”

I even joked back, mentioning more than one person has said I need this shirt which boldly states “Who Needs Big Tits When You’ve Got An Ass Like This.” Now bringing up the shirt wasn’t meant as a slam against my chestal region, which is modest but perfectly lovely in its own right. It was just meant to alert him to the fact that my ass is indeed a fine, fine slice of all that is right and good with the world.

So I mentioned the shirt, and we laughed, and talked about something else, and then there was some silence while we chewed. And then, as I’m sitting there eating whatever it was I ordered, watching the waitress in the background try not to drop stuff, out of TOTAL SILENCE, my date says

“You know, your breasts really are in perfect proportion to the rest of your upper body… it looks good… you’ve really got nothing to worry about there…”

OH NO HE DIDN’T!

OH YES HE DID!

What planet is he from that it’s ok for him to a) say that out loud and b) reveal that for at least the past six minutes, he’s been staring at my chest, evaluating its proportionality to the rest of my body - or more simply BASICALLY SAY OUT LOUD THAT HE’S BEEN OGLING MY TITS OVER TERIYAKI CHICKEN.

The worst part of it all? Our table was positioned such that I couldn’t even make the “I’m going to the ladies’ room” excuse and bolt out of there as fast as my feet would carry me!

Instead I powered through the rest of my dinner, declined desert and threw a “thanks for a lovely evening” over my shoulder as I dashed for my car.

Note to self: Perhaps wear a Burkha on dates from now on. And always call ahead of time to ask for a table that is out of view of both the bathrooms, and the exit!

To the Stunned Cunt in the Parking Garage:

Considering I was carrying a huge mesh sack of laundry, two large (heavy!) Ikea bags full of stuff, a 5′ long cardboard poster tube, had a purse slung over one shoulder, and an overnight bag over the other, and had the exhausted look of one who has just returned home after a long weekend spent with family - was it really necessary to ask me if I “live here” before you nearly slammed the parkade door in my face before I could get in?

In addition, do you think you also needed to inspect the keys that were precariously dangling from my pinky to make sure that I did, indeed have a building key?

Because really, if I didn’t live here, and was carrying that much stuff, don’t you think maybe I’d be going in the OTHER DIRECTION?

Fuck you!

Much Love,
-Jen

What’s Good? Slipping on my much neglected Canucks Jersey, because HOCKEY’S BACK KIDS!

What’s Better? Wandering through the streets of Vancouver with it on, sharing the home-team cameraderie with my fellow fans. Knowing glances, smiles, and even the occasional high-five from complete strangers - it does a body good!

What’s Best? Talking to the strangers, being asked “So where are you going to watch the game?” and answring “GM Place,” then watching them slowly turn a lovely shade of green.

The game itself was fabulous - exciting hockey - and it didn’t hurt that the Canucks absolutely dominated the Coyotes for most of the game. It was fairly amusing that once the crowd got sick of giving Cujo the raspberry, they took to chanting “Greeeettttttttt-skyyyyyyyyyyyy.”

It’ll be interesting seeing how Phoenix progresses this season under the tutilege of “The Great One.” While Wayne has shown some success leading the Canadian National Team to victory, those are really the best of the best players our country has to offer. It’s a known fact in coaching that prodigies are usually the worst coaches, since they have a tough time relating to those who don’t have an innate ability. It’s hard to teach someone else how to do something that comes to you naturally. And NHL teams certainly have their fair share of those to whom finesse hockey does not come naturally.

Incidentally, I’ll be back at The Garage in a couple weeks’ time to watch the Canucks/Coyotes next matchup. I wonder what they’ll have learned in that time and if anything will change…