When your roommate wakes you up an hour before your alarm is set to go off on Monday morning, sometimes a laugh is the only thing standing between you, and the big kitchen knives….

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An old Arab lives close to New York City. He would love to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. “Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure if you were here you would help me dig up the garden.”

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son at 3:45 pm: “Beloved father, please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’. Love Ahmed”.

At 4:02 pm, the US Army, the Marines, the Rangers, the Police, officers from the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI and the CIA, visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son: “Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That’s all I could do for you from here. Love Ahmed.

Preamble: Ever since Ray moved in, we’ve had two garbage cans in the bathroom. It honestly just offended some delicate sensitiblity I hold, so today I made the move, and took one away. The following exchange commenced once Ray noticed:

Ray: So uh… Jen… I was just in the uh… bathroom…
Self: And?
Self thinking: please don’t tell me you just defiled it, I don’t wanna know
Ray: CAN WE PLEEEEASE HAVE TWO GARBAGE CANS!?!?!?
Self: Why?
Self thinking: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?
Ray: Well we’re two people!
Self: And?
Self thinking: DUH!
Ray: Well we’ll produce two people’s worth of garbage!
Self: So?
Self thinking: IDIOT!
Ray: Well we’ll have to change that garbage like, every three days!
Self: So?
Self thinking: You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Ray: Well… well…. well….
Self: I’ll change the garbage then, if it’s that much of an issue for you.
Self thinking: For someone who’s seemingly so concerned with personal hygiene, you want to keep bathroom garbage around twice as long? Curiouser and curiouser….
Ray: (defeated) okaaaaaay….
Self thinking: winner!

In an effort to thwart the last-minute finding of a fellow concert attendee, I figured I’d put it out there that I’m still open to finding someone to go with me to the following shows:

Nine Inch Nails with Queens of the Stone Age, Pacific Coliseum, Monday September 26th - $90/ticket

Green Day with Jimmy Eat World, GM Place, Tuesday September 27th - $65/ticket < -- Mel's got this one!

Death Cab For Cutie, Commodore Ballroom, Monday October 3rd - $45/ticket

Comment if you or anyone you know is interested.

*Thanks to Auralfixations.org for this one!

Go to musicoutfitters.com, and do a search on the most popular 100 songs from the year you graduated high school. (You can do this by searching on the year you graduated). Bold the ones you actually like. (Understand that the word “like” in this case means, at the very least, “wouldn’t immediately change the radio station from.”) Pick a favorite. Underline that favorite. And Strikethru the ones you loathe. Italicize the ones you consider to be guilty pleasures.

1. Too Close, Next
2. The Boy Is Mine, Brandy and Monica
3. You’re Still The One, Shania Twain
4. Truly Madly Deeply, Savage Garden
5. How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes
6. Together Again, Janet
7. All My Life, K-Ci and JoJo
8. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John
9. Nice and Slow, Usher
10. I Don’t Want To Wait, Paula Cole
11. How’s It Going To Be, Third Eye Blind
12. No, No, No, Destiny’s Child
13. My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion
14. Gettin’ Jiggy Wit, Will Smith
15. You Make Me Wanna…, Usher
16. My Way, Usher
17. My All, Mariah Carey
18. The First Night, Monica
19. Been Around The World, Puff Daddy and The Family
20. Adia, Sarah McLachlan
21. Crush, Jennifer Paige
22. Everybody (Backstreet’s Back), Backstreet Boys
23. I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing, Aerosmith
24. Body Bumpin Yippie-Yi-Yo, Public Announcement
25. This Kiss, Faith Hill
26. I Don’t Ever Want To See You Again, Uncle Sam
27. Let’s Ride, Montell Jordan
28. Sex And Candy, Marcy Playground
29. Show Me Love, Robyn
30. A Song For Mama, Boyz II Men
31. What You Want, Mase
32. Frozen, Madonna
33. Gone Till November, Wyclef Jean
34. My Body, Lsg
35. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
36. Deja Vu (Uptown Baby), Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz
37. I Want You Back, ‘N Sync
38. When The Lights Go Out, Five
39. They Don’t Know, Jon B.
40. Make Em’ Say Uhh!, Master P
41. Make It Hot, Nicole Featuring Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott and Mocha
42. Never Eve, All Saints
43. I Get Lonely, Janet
44. Feel So Good, Mase
45. Say It, Voices Of Theory
46. Kiss The Rain, Billie Myers
47. Come With Me, Puff Daddy
48. Romeo And Juliet, Sylk-E Fyne
49. It’s All About Me, Mya and Sisqo
50. I Will Come To You, Hanson
51. One Week, Barenaked Ladies
52. Swing My Way, K.P. and Envyi
53. The Arms Of The One Who Loves You, Xscape
54. My Love Is The Shhh!, Somethin’ For The People
55. Daydreamin’, Tatyana Ali
56. We’re Not Making Love No More, Dru Hill
57. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
58. I Do, Lisa Loeb
59. Lookin’ At Me, Mase
60. Looking Through Your Eyes, LeAnn Rimes
61. Lately, Divine
62. Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), Backstreet Boys
63. I Still Love You, Next
64. Time After Time, Inoj
65. Are You Jimmy Ray?, Jimmy Ray
66. Cruel Summer, Ace Of Base
67. I Got The Hook Up!, Master P
68. Victory, Puff Daddy and The Family
69. Too Much, Spice Girls
70. Ghetto Supastar (That Is What You Are), Pras Feat. Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Mya
71. How Deep Is Your Love, Dru Hill Featuring Redman
72. Friend Of Mine, Kelly Price
73. Turn It Up [Remix] / Fire It Up, Busta Rhymes
74. I’ll Be, Edwin McCain
75. Ray Of Light, Madonna
76. All For You, Sister Hazel
77. Touch It, Monifah
78. Money, Power and Respect, Lox
79. Bitter Sweet Symphony, The Verve
80. Dangerous, Busta Rhymes
81. Spice Up Your Life, Spice Girls
82. Because Of You, 98 Degrees
83. The Mummers’ Dance, Loreena McKennitt
84. All Cried Out, Allure Featuring 112
85. Still Not A Player, Big Punisher Featuring Joe
86. The One I Gave My Heart To, Aaliyah
87. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
88. Love You Down, Inoj
89. Do For Love, 2Pac
90. Raise The Roof, Luke
91. Heaven, Nu Flavor
92. The Party Continues, Jd
93. Sock It 2 Me, Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott Featuring Da Brat
94. Butta Love, Next
95. A Rose Is Still A Rose, Aretha Franklin
96. 4 Seasons Of Loneliness, Boyz II Men
97. Father, LL Cool J
98. Thinkin’ Bout It, Gerald Levert
99. Nobody’s Supposed To Be Here, Deborah Cox
100. Westside, TQ

Man, there was some bad, bad music goin’ on in the late 90’s….

Go on now, your turn, you know you wanna

When oh when will I learn. Never date someone who has read your blog - unless they are a blogger themselves and understand the medium. And even then beware.

BUT ESPECIALLY NEVER DATE SOMEONE WHO’S READ YOUR BLOG WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE MEDIUM.

I met someone a little while back, and we casually chatted for a while about school/work stuff, since we both went through the same program at university and are loosely in the same field. At that point, since I wasn’t thinking about anything beyond friendship, I mentioned I had a blog and gave him the url.

A few days after that we went out for dinner, and he couldn’t stop gushing about how much he loved my writing. That set off tiny warning bells, but I figured it wasn’t too bad. After all, still in friend territory. Except by the end of the night he did kiss me and we sortof had plans to see eachother again. I should’ve known better. I should’ve stopped things right then and there. He read my blog, it could never work out.

But, being the chump that I am, I go out with him for dinner again, during which I am called “the next Sophie Kinsella”, told multiple times that I should write a book, or for a magazine, or freelance, OR JUST GET PAID TO WRITE! GOOD GOD I AM WASTING MY TALENTS ON A BLOG!

So after that I ran screaming, right? Wrong. For I am Not. Smart.

At. All.

We went out one more time. And as we were having another round of really pleasant conversation, I start to say something - which he interrupts (oh! and he’s a chronic interruptor!!!) with “Oh I know what you’re going to say, you blogged about this.”

ACTUALLY YOU DON’T, BECAUSE I DIDN’T! OH MY GOD, HEAD EXPLODING IN 4, 3, 2, 1,..

BANG!

He made the fatal flaw of assuming that the entirety of my life is put out on the internet for the whole world to see, and even worse than that, assumed that there was nothing more to my life than what I put out on the internet for the whole world to see.

So I did what any passive-aggressive blogger would do. I used the power of my blog for evil, instead of good. I posted details of my life that I may have left private if I had thought there was a future with this guy. And I posted them in a way that left them very open to interpretation - because I knew he would read them, and assume they were monumental to my existence, instead of just passing blips on the radar.

Things like being smitten with boys with dark rockstar hair and big brown eyes. When this guy happens to have blonde hair and blue eyes and he looks more like an accountant than a rock star. Did anything happen with a brown eyed boy? Who knows. I certainly didn’t say one way or the other.

Or like celebrating a year of being single with “nookie and pannekoeken” - with myself? with someone else? with someone I’m dating? with a friend with benefits? with a dog? I didn’t say, and the blogosphere, and this guy, will never know.

And since those entries, his number has mysteriously ceased to appear on my incoming call display.

Although he did get one thing he wanted - I finally wrote about him. In his favourite category. Happy now?

Here’s a game for all y’all at home. Play along if you wanna indulge me.

I’m going to type a word, and you’re going to comment with the first image that comes into your head.

Ready?

The word is: independent.

Now, if the first image you thought of relates to American symbolism, discard that idea, and comment with the next one. Or the one after that.

I’ll let y’all know what that’s about in a few days. In the meantime, happy commenting!

New Category: goofy things my roommate says/asks that make me think he really HAS been living under a rock for a very long time.

Today’s Ray-ism:

Jen? If I want to make eggs, like, sunny side up, how do you do that?

So I’m trying to figure out how to create a blog post with two pictures in it - and my coding skills are pretty much non-existent.

Anyone wanna email me with whatever will work in wordpress?

Thanks!

Gosh darn it life has caught up with me all of the sudden.

I don’t even have the energy to respond to email, let alone write blog posts.

So here is a baby seal to entertain you.

Oh, I also got a camera phone - so maybe there’ll be something entertaining in my flickr feed (click photos above to view). Then again, considering how much all I want to do is nap? I’d say the odds of me taking interesting cameraphone pictures of something other than my head under a pillow are probably nil.

Lost and Found listings from NewOrleans.Craigslist.Org

I’m pretty good at being disaffected (though not uncompassionate). This affected me.

Deeply.

Pass the Hat (again), and the Tissue.

On the off chance that any readers know this kind of thing:

I have an educational (science - biology) children’s story that I think I want to pitch to a publisher.

Depending on whether or not I can handle the rejection when they tell me it sucks.

If I can get over myself, does anyone know where I’d even begin that process?

Check out this guy’s blog

He’s been writing about surviving in New Orleans during the Hurricane (which apparently wasn’t so bad) and the Aftermath (which is like the freakin’ apocalypse).

Of course, this is just one guy’s blog, but hot damn, people are going Crazy!

I haven’t heard much in the mainstream media about how bad it’s gotten (shooting at the firefighters?!?!?)

Is this actually that common during natural disasters? Mark: did this happen after Ivan?

Also, just wanted to say please help out if you’re able: American Red Cross

This one’s for the locals:

I went willy nilly on purchasing a bunch of concert tickets in the not so distant past, and then threw them in a drawer and sortof forgot about them.

Except that I didn’t forget, I just forgot to find people to go with.

Pearl Jam is coming up tomorrow, and I am one person with two tickets! Now math is not my strong suit, but even I can figure out that is one seat too many.

So if you’re at all interested in busting out the oversized plaid jacket and getting nostalgic with Eddie Vedder and some of the original grunge rockers, leave a comment and let me know. The seats are pretty good, all things considered, for a sold-out show at the Garage: Section 105, next to the stage, row 15.

Since I’m not made of money, I will say that the ticket is $60 - though I’m willing to barter - if you’ve got stuff you think I want, or want to take me out for dinner, or to the Killers or Nine Inch Nails (neither of which I have tickets for yet) instead, I’d consider that a fair trade.

Heck, if I get desperate enough, and you can give me a creative enough reason why I should just give you the ticket, I might bring you along for free, just for entertainment’s sake!

So, who’s in? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

UPDATE: Ticket Taken - Thanks Todd!