3 thoughts on “Participaction”

  1. i’m the same as your date. i find people that talk about themselves to be quite boring (with exception of course), so tend to err in the opposite direction. i don’t volunteer much non-superficial information about myself, but am a completely open book if you know the right questions.

    i also find that a lot of people are very good at talking about themselves and (especially when serial dating) present this fixed image to everyone in the beginning. they may not even realize it, but most people have a schema of what they think they are like and, whether or not it is accurate, pull out those same cards in the same “getting to know you” stages with everyone. asking unexpected questions can often catch someone off-guard and give you a deeper peek.

    one of my favourite games to play with someone i am on a first (or second, or third, or long car ride) date with is like a game of truth or dare without the dare. rules i made up as the game was refined with different people:

    1. you have to take turns
    2. only one question at a time each
    3. can’t ask the same question that has already been asked of you
    4. can opt not to reply, but
    5. if you do reply it has to be the truth
    6. can’t use the word “favourite” – as in what’s your favourite food/color/city/hobby/etc
    7. creativity of questions tends to get better if alcohol is involved in moderately escalating amounts

    types of questions i have asked:
    – why do you love your job? or
    – why are you in a job you don’t love?
    – do you talk to your mom often? (i’m with you on this one, donna!)
    – what did you do on your birthday last year?

    types of questions i have had asked of me:
    – do you pluck your eyebrows?
    – what physical feature are you most insecure about?
    – how many pairs of shoes do you own?
    – what’s your purely creative outlet?

    something i don’t focus a lot on is history. i don’t think it’s really my business, unless the other person feels it is relevant and may affect me in some way. for example, why his last relationship ended is not necessarily my business. if he has ever had herpes (and we could potentially become sexually involved), most definitely is.

  2. `jen: if he’s “ever had herpes” is a damn good question before having sex, if only because well, it’s incurable. “have you ever had any STI’s” is a good question. As is “when was the last time you got tested?” and “have you had unprotected sex with anyone you weren’t fluid bonded with since?”

    at least, these are questions that *I* ask. 🙂 Not so much as a “getting to know you” thing, though. More like a “am I willing to fuck you?” thing.

    Although I’d disagree on the why he/she ended their last relationship. Is it any of your business? No. Is it a good indicator as to what faults or compatibility issues they may or may not have? And what sort of things they say about their ex’s? If you’ve got someone who says… “Well, we were together for 15 years, and she wanted to get married but I didn’t” and you’re the type who wants to get married… red flag. If he says “that fucking psycho bitch ruined my life and now I’m going to tell THE WHOLE WORLD WHAT A NUTBAG SHE IS” … yellow flag. (She might actually be insane — my ex girlfriend is, and I’m happy to share this, but because since I’m not THERE anymore, it’s funny. If it’s “scary anger” about the ex, well, red flag.)

    This can also help you figure out what sort of baggage they have. “She aborted my baby, and *sniffle* I want my baby back! *sob* How could she have done that to me? *wibble*” or “She cheated on me with every member of the Canucks. Including the coach. And the waterboys. And the zamboni driver.” Well, in that case, you might want her phone number so she can hook you up with a rich hockey player, but I digress. These things help. 🙂

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