Apparently I take my social cues from my belly button.
Richard has posted this before, but today was the first time I took the time to read Caring for your Introvert. It was a bit like being tossed into an episode of This is Your Life.
A couple passages stood out especially for me:
Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not [I include myself in this group, definitely not shy]. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say “Hell is other people at breakfast.” Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.
Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.
For as long as I remember, I’ve been perceived as “the snob” who is allegedly too good to hang out with the crowd. Not true – I just have no interest in chatting myself into being part of any given group, though am happy to be (and usually fun if) invited to participate. I’m also terrible on a first date, because I have no skill whatsoever with small talk – though if we stumble onto a topic of common interest, the words will flow effortlessly. I like to think I’m a good conversationalist, just not chatty.
I think the Internet has driven a lot of introverts into a common space – simply because it seems tailored to our particular social comfort level. There is no need for small talk most of the time. It’s socially acceptable (and usually preferred) to be direct and to the point in chat rooms and on instant messengers. Email etiquette guides stress dropping colloquialisms from messages, and writing succinctly in memo format.
The Internet is also free from awkward silences. It’s usually assumed that if one is chatting online, they are also watching TV, surfing the web, or working on a project or work task (or perhaps all of the above). The phone may ring, someone may knock on the door – the bottom line is, through the entire conversation the introvert is able to (as Rauch notes) “think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking.”
I’m assuming the friends I have who know and love me have come to understand that this is the way I am – and are ok with that. Admittedly it was somewhat baffling for a while, becuase I never understood it about myself. I always assumed I needed to be more extroverted in order to have a more satisfying social life. Now I know that’s not true.
Even better, I have a brand new excuse for those poor first dates. “I’m not bored, I’m an Introvert, and you obviously just don’t get it. Perhaps you should check out this article….”
Ever taken a Myers Briggs test? Might be interesting. I’m apparently on that line right between intovert and extrovert. And I think I can really go either way depending on my mood. Interesting post 🙂
Although the post of mine you linked to was not about introverts, I was secretly hoping someone would see the “Caring for Your Introvert” link and pass it on. So mission accomplished I guess. 🙂
The neat thing about the Internet is that a lot of introverts feel comfortable with text, and though it has the effect of further enabling withdrawal from physical presence, it also enables “lurking” and then, when the time is right, meeting the person and each having something to talk about. Even if it’s to call bullshit on me to my face, at least it’s not small-talk like “hey, how are you doing?” or “what do you do for a living?”. I used to think that–to take a group of Internet users at random–bloggers meeting only to talk about what they wrote online was boring. To an extent I still feel that way, but someone recently pointed out to me that for the people who hate small-talk, at least when they meet, there is a subject of conversation, and the parties involved in that conversation don’t have to take as much time to “warm up”, because they’ve already done it through their reading.
I found this, and the article very interesting.
It certainly hits home for me. It’s too bad that i couldn’t print this article and CRAM IT UP THE ASS of a certain person that i work with. She keeps getting upset/hurt for my not being “chatty” all the time in the true introverted sense.
note: even many extroverts dislike small talk. I can make it, but I prefer not to.
although I really like the “think by talking” thing. I totally do that. Although more often, I think by writing. Basically, I just have to get it out of me. 🙂