Just a little tidbit that I found floating around the blogosphere when I should be sleeping but can’t. It pretty much sums up what I’m looking for in a guy. It’s hard to articulate, but I’m going to try to drop a few points – perhaps commenters can fill in some of the blanks I’ll inevitably leave…
I want someone who will challenge me. This does not mean I want someone who will nag me or disrespect me or push me in a direction that I clearly don’t want to go in. A while ago I went on a date with someone who actually did this well… we were talking about our respective educations, and where we were going with them. He’s finishing his PhD while I’m still in the “not quite sure” stage, I but tossed out a couple ideas about what I might do next. He ran with them, and put it back to me in a way that made me think “gee, why aren’t I doing xyz.
The suggestions weren’t his ideas, or his plan for what he’d do in my situation – it was a logical next step that really suits my interests & abilities – and the way he was able to phrase it made me want to move on with things. He clearly respected the direction I had taken thus far (which is extremely different from his own), and had faith in the fact that I could move on in some very interesting and relevant directions if I would choose to – and in fact not moving toward it would be doing myself a great disservice.
Nothing else about that particular encounter worked out – but the equal footing he immediately stepped onto in the above example is something that’s stuck with me, and that’s a point not a lot of other men I’ve known have been able to succeed at getting to. Most seem more interested in gaining a Mother or Daughter than an equal partner in a relationship.
That particular challenge is only one of many that could come up. Generally though, no one else has been able to find that precise point of interaction that makes me want to care about him and his life, rather than either patronizing or injuring him. It’s been hard for me to find someone who can express their interest in me without them coming off as desperate or sleazy. I’m not saying the guys aren’t out there, but I’m obviously deficient in finding them.
Of course, being a female, there isn’t a precise set of instructions that will be the magic formula to make me happy. Instead, there’s a set of extremes that I’m hoping some special person will eventually comfortably fit into the middle of. Basically it comes down to a guy who is a strong, independent individual, comfortable in his own goals and beliefs, and who is looking for an equally strong, independent counterpart.
Perhaps I’m just a little stunned, because many of my complaints seem to be about a total and utter lack of basic manners and respect for either the self or the other person (that other being me). Being with someone simply involves being with them in a way that both parties are comfortable with. It does not involve becoming the other person, or having them become you. It is about respecting the individual, and encouraging them to become the best version of themselves that they can be. Not what the best version of (or most convenient complement to that version of) yourself might be.
I’m now starting to ramble & repeat myself here so I’ll wrap it up. But I really wonder if I’m asking too much to find mutual attraction, respect & equality in a partner these days – because I’m not finding much of it around. All the good ones indeed seem to be taken.
Honestly, I think people need to be fully comfortable and happy being single, before they should start looking for a relationship. It can work, of course, but for some unrecognizable reason, it bothers me how many people are terrified of being single, even for a little while. My mother is a prime example of this — she won’t fully leave her previous partner until she has a new one lined up. I just don’t get that.
Of course, I also don’t believe in soul mates, everlasting love, or monogamy, so my particular bent on things might be a little different from most. š Although, let me qualify a couple of those…
everlasting love: Love changes. Someone who gets married after knowing someone for a year, and expects to stay with them for 10, 20, 50, 75 years? You better expect that your relationship is going to change an awful lot, and that initial “oooh, you’re so purdy” romance is going to fade awful quickly.
monogamy: works for some people, not for others. So for me, the idea of finding one person that I want to spend the rest of my life with to the exclusion of all others just doesn’t fit. I don’t believe that humans are naturally monogamous (most animals aren’t, why should humans be? And if you look at the rates of infidelity, my theory holds out…) I dislike trying to fit most of society into a mold that doesn’t fit.
There’s more in my head on that subject, but I’m going home now instead.
Weighing in on the “completion” thing – humans are social beings. A “lone wolf” or “lost whale” is seen as being deficient when separated from the pack or pod, and I feel that people are the same way. I don’t think a potential partner’s specific characteristics can make someone more than they are, but I do believe that being social and mating effectively does allow us to reach our full mammalian potential and bring us a little closer to realizing self-actualization.
Wow! A link to my Blog! Thank you! I feel all famous and stuff now.
I rather enjoyed that. Tanya (shhhh, don’t tell her that she told me that you had linked to me) mentioned that link… and I read and read and read… and couldnt find it. Of course, the red is nearly invisible…. so, I missed it right off. Was okay… it lead to a good read!
And, for the single… we are all our worse enemies in that regard. Blame society, blame the media, blame your parents…. but, really what it all comes down to is: everyone who is confident and/or hot thinks… no one is good enough for me! Yes… Im that good.
And when you do find that right person, they have the same thought. Its a natural evolution of society…. and will lead to the extinction of the human species… which might actually be a good thing.
And as per the “complete”-ing…. thing. Yeah, I can see that having real relevance. I meant it in the romantic term… BUT, there is some truth to life being less stressful, more social, and healthier when you are with someone special. I believe there is a biological respect to that term. Its only become a bad word because it seems equivalent to “dependant”. It isnt, so why be PC?
Joke response:
Q: What do men and public toilets have in common?
A: They’re either taken or full of #$@&$#.
Actually, I don’t think all the good ones are taken. I was single for a very long time, as were some of my friends. Were they not “good ones” until they were taken? (Wow, now *THAT’S* a koan.)
It does take a lot of searching (sometimes a LOT)…but I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s worth you š You seem like a pretty darn cool person, and you have an idea of what you want…that puts you miles ahead of most others (of either gender).
Rule #1: All the good ones are taken
Rule #2: If one is available, refer to Rule #1
Seems funny, but, also seems so very true at times, unfortunately.
Hmmm. Interesting that you’d quote Vern’s blog tonight, actually, about that particular subject. We were just discussing this over sushi this evening.
Shhh… Don’t tell him this, but I agree with his take most of the time, when it comes to relationships. Tonight, though, I didn’t. We were discussing the line “you complete me” — And I recoil every time I hear that from someone, because I don’t want an incomplete man. (…And I would hope that they wouldn’t want someone who was incomplete themselves.)
He explained that wasn’t how the message should be interpreted if I were to hear that from someone, but how else would someone interpret it? It’s romantic and all, but I completely disagree with the true meaning.
Anyhow… I had to smirk after immediately recognizing those words you quoted, and how timely this dialogue was to my conversation today with just that person.
And, for the record, there’s not one thing I disagree with, other than “all the good ones seem to be taken”, when it comes to what you wrote! I’m so on the same wavelength. That said, I’m holding out hope that there’s a few good ones left, and that I’m just simply looking in the wrong spots!
Peechie, I totally know where you’re coming from. You practically took the words right out of my mouth. Well…your version is a much more elegant! š
Finding Mr. Right can be difficult. But I guess it is just a matter of time and being open to possibilities. Sometimes there is the tendency for us to project a certain image of a perfect guy. Sometimes establishing qualifications can be helpful, but sometimes it can also limit us. We become unopen that at times that we fail to see that our ideal guy is right before us. Be guided by your standards and at the same time remain open for other possibilities. Good luck to your search.