All By Myself

So, for anyone who was waiting for the full version of what I alluded to before the weekend, here’s the low down:

I broke up with my boyfriend.

Although we love eachother a whole lot – that love doesn’t seem to mesh with the rest of the world. Some might say “well that’s not real love,” but it really is love. Just not the forever kind. Others would say “try harder,” and believe me when I said we did. Unfortunately, as we grew up (the early 20’s are fairly significant transitional years as far as I’m concerned) we developed as very different people. This made the relationship pretty great in the vacuum of just the two of us – and less than great when family and friends came into the picture.

And after yet another argument, and after a little over four years, we’ve called it quits – no idea if it’s a temporary or permanent situation, but for the forseeable future we’re no longer an “us.”

After that period of time, it’s really hard to adjust being a “me” instead of part of an “us.” Externally, it’s not that hard a switch. He never was all that interested in spending any amount of time with my friends – I always made my own friends and pursued my own interests, with or without his presence. It’s those internal things that are tearing me up.

For instance: Who am I going to call (that will actually get it) when someone in my family says something silly? Who am I going to call for no reason at all – just to say “hi” or check in? Who am I going to have “Kinn Wars” with? Who’s going to call me Chicken (pronounced “Chee-kin” in a very high voice)? I do know that I will find new love and new inside jokes and new phone calls for no reason other than to say “hi” all in good time.

But in the meantime – a list of things that still threaten to make me cry at their very presence, or a mention of their name: sports (all of them – this guy is the ultimate fan of everything), vodka screw-ups, sportchek, metrotown, honda civics, anything to do with Montreal, every song on the radio, movies, the telephone (especially when it doesn’t ring), food, airplanes, my favourite picture of my family (because he took it), bbq, anything I’ve done of any significance in the past 4 years, everything.

There was a quote I heard once by a woman who lost her husband: “I don’t know how to grieve without you.” And that’s exactly what this is – mourning the loss of a very significant relationship. And I don’t know how to do that without him. But I’m learning.

Also, scary thought of the week: My parents were about my age (mom a little younger, dad a little older) when they got out of 4+ year relationships. They met each other within about 3 months of this time, were engaged 6 weeks later, and married inside a year. Anyone wanna start a pool?

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